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When drama starts on the honeymoon night

Living

The confession was made by gospel star Gloria Muliro on how awfully her marriage to one Pastor Omba began.

She had emerged from the bathroom of their honeymoon suite, all bathed and perfumed – probably in sexy negligee as a gift to her new husband – when she found the Congolese/oga pastor still fully dressed in his formal wedding suit.

And he was so busy tearing open the cash envelopes he’d said folks should give them (instead of wedding gifts) and greedily stuffing the money into his pockets he did not even notice the gliding in of his glorious new bride.

And that was just the beginning!

Within a month, he had the new Mrs Omba playing by rules of hygiene and cooking recipes to ‘keep a husband happy.’ On top of that, the melodious musician Muliro was given a ‘decent dress code,’ ordered to cut off contact with ‘unholy people’ (old family and friends) and had to submit all her earnings to her new husband, as per Biblical scripture.

‘How I survived five years in that marriage was the grace of God,’ the divorced Gloria now says.

But the seeds were sown on that very first honeymoon night when she busted the man ripping money out of envelopes and hiding it.

Other true horror stories of honeymoon nights gone very wrong.

I read of a London couple who got married just the other day at the end of October.

As the new bride got into the airplane to go to Paris for their honeymoon, the groom went off to Rome with his father – who had surprised him with two plane tickets to Italy, three-day hotel accommodation and two tickets to the Roma versus Chelsea Champions’ League game – as a wedding present.

You know what the really tragic thing is about this story? Chelsea lost three/zero to Roma!

And I might have heard another story in the family about a relative who went for honeymoon down in Mombasa, where they had both never been in their lives, to a seaside hotel that offered an ‘open bar’ to newly-married couples.

The man was so excited he swallowed every spirit in sight till long past midnight, the despairing bride having long given up and slept. Escorted to their suite by the barman at about 2am, he crawled into the sweet-smelling sheets … then threw up in almighty fashion.

Less gross but perhaps more disturbing is that new groom called ‘Wafula’ who had a lavish wedding and took his new bride for a week long honeymoon in Zanzibar.

The sly bride noticed that after making love, Waf would sneak out of the room at about midnight and return at about 4am, sneaking back into the bed.

On the third day, she followed the fellow to a room just down the corridor from their suite, where he used a card and got in.

She noted the room number and went downstairs to the reception and got a card, pretending she had misplaced hers. Upon opening the new room down the corridor, she caught Waf in flagrante delicto (or for those who don’t understand Latin, unlike PLO, with his ‘hand’, ahem in the cookie jar).

Worse was to come.

The woman Hezron Wafula was with was a ‘mpango wa kando’ who had been a problem at the start of their relationship, but whom the bride assumed ‘Hezzie Waf’ had cut off relations with when they got engaged – kumbe he’d even secretly brought her along for their honeymoon!!

Then there are the men, especially staunch Christians, with their wives who ‘wait till they are married.’ Then on the material honeymoon night, with all the heavenly bells and whistles pealing, the fellow cannot get it up! Or the woman is as frigid as a cadaver that fell off a helicopter and drowned in a lake.

I heard the tale of this couple that went to one of those casino hotels for their honeymoon.

While the chap was upstairs unpacking and ordering champagne, the lady went to ‘play the tables’ – and returned half an hour later to tell him not only had she gambled their entire honeymoon money away, but they needed to flee the hotel as they now owed them a bundle.

Then there is this gentleman who after spending Sh3 million on their wedding suddenly realised on their cruise ship honeymoon that he’d be paying Sh 50,000 bob a month to a bank for the ‘consumer loan’ (wedding) he had taken to finance the one-day affair + honeymoon (yet he earns Sh150,000 a month, gross) … and spend the entire week on the ship blasting his wife about the waste!

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