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Why you should focus less on the wedding and more on the marriage

Marriage Advice

The silly season appears to be almost over for Kenya, but the real silly season is now about to begin. Now that people are done fighting over their choice of presidential candidate, they can now agree to set dates and make plans for late-year weddings.

It seems to be the romantic thing to do to end the year married, but I'm here to remind future husbands and wives that ending the year broke and in debt is a sure way to kill the romance. It is about balancing budgets, needs, expectations and reality and keeping sight of why you are marrying this person in the first place.

A wedding will last a few hours, but the marriage that comes after that party will be very long, God-willing, and will require even more resources than you can currently imagine.

It is, therefore, important to remember not to interchange the importance and budget of the wedding with that of the subsequent marriage. I know this is supposedly the most important day of your life, but, good people, you must still cut your suit according to your cloth.

What do you love about Kenya?

Resist the temptation to plan for a wedding you cannot afford, in the hope that friends and family will contribute to make up the difference. Big mistake.

In Uganda, the practice is to have lots of pre-wedding fundraising meetings to raise as much money as possible for a wedding you cannot afford. Two months ago we attended a wedding where the couple spent all the money they collected on a fabulous honeymoon, leaving guests stranded and hungry at the reception venue.

I know of another couple who pretended to have split up just before their wedding and used the raised money to start building a house! They wedded quietly by civil ceremony shortly after. Talk about priorities. No one could really blame the couple for doing a sensible thing, so the hullabaloo died down.

When you open your wedding preparations to the public, the event will take on a life of its own. People will be living their failed wedding dreams through you and making you pay the bill for it. No matter how much consensus you seek to achieve, you will never be able to please everyone.

If they are not talking about how fat your arms look in that gown or your groom's ill-fitting suit, they will criticise the event colours or gripe about the amount and type of food served. If you have invested your heart and soul in making your 'dream wedding' enjoyable for everyone but yourself, heartbreak is around the corner.

That said, you are bringing two families together when you get married, so you have to consider their comfort, traditions and to some extent their wishes.

If, for instance, your parents would like you to wed at a family church and you wanted the cathedral which will look nice in the photos, why not compromise and swing by the cathedral later for some staged photos?

If, however, your parents want to invite 300 of their former work colleagues to the event, stand your ground and say no. Unless they are paying for it. But even then, why should you be surrounded by strangers on your wedding day?

Which brings me to a pet peeve: Maids of honour and best men. Take it from me: Do yourself a favour and choose wisely and for the right reason. Do not choose the guy you went to the strip club with the most. Do not choose the girl who is approximately the same height as you but whom you are sure will not look cuter than you.

Please choose people who understand commitment, who will fight in your corner to save your marriage should things get tough and who would take on the responsibility of your children without a second thought. You will need the support.

Finally, contrary to public opinion, there will be other important and memorable days in your life, and you always have an opportunity to relive your wedding day every anniversary. For example, I forfeited owning an expensive engagement ring in favour of something special for one of our anniversaries.

Not only did it save us some money when we were young and needed it, it also gave me something to look forward to down the line. And believe me, not matter what happens on D-Day, "down the line" is what is important.

So to all the lovers for whom the coming weeks are speeding to The Day, I wish you joy, good weather and above all, good sense.

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