'In laws' who make men miserable

You all know the cartoon character Andy Capp?

He wears a flat cap on his head – rather like the one Right Honourable Raila Odinga (and my pal, the poet Stan Mitoko) – likes wearing on his head. Andy is married to a long suffering wife called Flo.

And his mother-in-law cannot stand him (our chap, Andy Capp).

In this case, it is a question of the Andy Capp creator playing off a cliché – the bad Mom-in-Law.

But speak to many married women on these streets, and they will tell you of irritating-ranging-into-hellish experiences with their mothers-in-law.

There are grown women – in their 50s and 60s, and some even in their 70s – who believe that their grown-up 'little boys' (men ranging in age from 28 to 48 years of age) cannot, without their carefully tending to them, continue to function properly on this planet.

These 'mothers in law' of 35 year old toddlers will enter your kitchen to 'show you' how to prepare your hubby's favourite meal – the chapatti and stew which he has relished since he was six years old in 1987.

If you get a child – it does not matter the gender – you will suddenly discover you not only have a 'mother-in-law' but a co-mother to your child, in every sense of the word.

Your 'co-mother' (who also happens to be your man's mother) will go far and beyond giving you advice on how to handle baby. She will show you 'stairos' (styles) on how to wrap diapers, prepare weird village concoctions and lotions whenever baby has a rash or cough (because they worked so well on her own boy aka your hubby back in their bush days) and insert herself so much in baby's life you want to call the cops and report (i) the kidnap of your baby (ii) the hijacking of your family life by this meddlesome mom.

Then there are those unfortunate men who are plagued by the Bad or Dependant Dad-in-Law.

The first time such guys meet their prospective fathers-in-law, these old men may try to intimidate them. Maybe he is a powerful business man or popular politician, and as is a case we saw recently, the young man feels, or is made to feel, he can never live up to (her) daddy's standards.

Such was the case with our friend, Mr Miles Morland, as he writes in his memoirs.

After a holiday romance in Greece with a young lady called Diana, he met her father, a London judge, who opened up the conversation with: 'I understand you've been driving tour buses in Greece, master Morgan (sic). Isn't that a job for feckless fools, and imperial idiots, when youth your age are becoming barristers?' Needless to say, that was the end of the romance (although Miles himself was to go on to make many millions of pounds over the years as a global hedge fund investor, and now philanthropist).

Even worse are the dependant dads-in-law, who the daughter (your wife) has to take care of, from his rent to medical bills to feeding the fellow to sending him 'mpesa' for mahitaji ndogo ndogo, hapa na kule. And yet these ones are the ones who demanded the biggest pride price or else 'no wedding.'

I'm always grateful I have 'chilled out' in laws, easy to cope with.

Some women will experience the spiteful sisters-in-law, or sibling girls so close to their brothers it is as if they want to squeeze you out of the relationship. It may be that big brother they depend on, including materially, and they feel you are coming to domineer over him and close the money tap.

It may be that last born and only boy they doted over, and they still want to 'big sister' him and bully you in the process. It may be that middle-born son that they had planned would marry one of their girls, and they despise you for 'stealing him' from his true sweetheart, their friend.

Last on the list is that troublesome brother in law.

My pal Pat complained to me over the weekend of his wife's kid brother Bill, who they were forced to live with in his college days, who dropped out of the job Pat got him, who steals from the house, seduces the house-helps, gets arrested some weekends and has to be bailed out of jail, puffs bhang.

Write me (address below) about your in-law from hell. Names will be changed.

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