Hilarious encounter with a war-mongering drunk in a matatu

As a normal heterosexual young man, there are many rituals you observe before you get into a matatu. One of them is scanning around for a seat where a hot lady is seated by herself. You plant yourself next to her, with the prospects of hurling at her honey-coated lyrics.

Alternatively, when you first get in, even before praying for a safe journey, you first pray and hope that God lets a pretty girl to sit next to you. This, of course, you do with the reckless assumption that she will give you an opportunity to make your case. Some Nairobi girls 'hawapendi ujinga'; the moment you start hurling niceties at her, she gives you a dead fish eyes, complete with that annoying 'we-know-hyenas-like-you' look!

But I digress. Unfortunately, more than often, God never answers such shenzi prayers. I guess God hates Team Mafisi members because of their randy activities. Thus, he always responds to such prayers with a big 'NO'.

For me, the punishment I got for making such a request to the Lord the other day was nasty. The good Lord planted a war-mongering idiot next to me and ordered, "Let there be a massive traffic jam"! You know God and his wicket sense of humour. The bugger was drunk and talkative as hell. He nagged me so much with political analysis, I fell a sleep. But you know drunks, he never gave up.

"Ndugu, look," he kept poking me in the ribs, before launching in long-winded political analysis. "Hii mabo ya siasa unaonaje?" He insisted, even as my body language screamed, "leave me a lone, you idiot!" That my facial expression yelled the fact that politics, like religion, is a topic I don't discuss with strangers, especially in a matatu, didn't help. The political analyst insisted on talking whilst spraying copious amounts of saliva in my very angry face.

When push came to shove, I told him to go to hell. At times a man must have a stand, you know. He gave up and fell a sleep and was only woken up by the conductor, asking for bus fare. "Masiniretee dugu, mimi mameripa," he yelled at the conductor in drunken stupor.

The not so amused conductor pressed on, telling him he had no time for his silly antics. "Dii na oru, kama manataka niripe mara biri, sema tu," he grumbled as he paid, whilst warning the conductor that there is a special place in hell for thieves like him.

Once he was done wrangling with the conductor, he turned to me and loudly wondered, "mbona manariga dugu? Hautaki tuongee siasa? Lakini hio ni kawaida yenu wanjaruo. Mana ringa sana". He snarled and switched into bitch mode, accusing me of being an arrogant Luo man, who will be humbled come general election time.

He went on to insist asking what were Raila chances and if I thought Baba was headed anywhere. I ignored the lout, wondering what made him assume I am a Luo man. My stone face prompted him to give up, but after throwing in a rider. "Hio mapua yako ni ya Nasa, me niko njubirii, matakutana kwa debe. Mtalilia kwa choo (Yours is a Nasa nose, I am in Jubilee, lets meet at the ballot box. You guys will be so embarrassed, you will go to cry from the loo)," he hissed, leaving the packed matatu in stitches.