Craving closeness or running from it? Here's why

Craving closeness or running from it? Here’s why (Photo: iStock)

Intimacy is more than physical closeness; it is the experience of being truly known by your partner. It thrives on openness, trust, loyalty and genuineness, and can also be sparked by spiritual or physical attraction. How we connect varies from person to person and transcends culture.

Consultant psychologist James Bosse explains that healthy intimacy is where both partners feel safe with each other, knowing their words and actions will not be used against them.

While some people crave intimacy, others fear it. He says that those who crave it are people who feel comfortable with connections. Those who fear it usually fear losing their independence because with intimacy, you have to lose that at some point.  

“Craving intimacy may create a desire to belong, while those who fear it may be afraid of messing up a relationship,” he says.

Early childhood attachment also plays a significant role in how we experience closeness in adulthood. He notes that if the early childhood attachment was close, intimacy is strong and comfortable. If it were anxious or fearful or disorganised, it would show up in a relationship.

Some partners feel loneliness within relationships, something that James says is mostly an intimacy issue. Miscommunication, unresolved issues and unmet needs can create distance.

“Unresolved trauma or heartbreak can also affect a person’s capacity for closeness. If they did not heal from it or work through it, the trauma puts your brain on alert, and then it associates closeness with danger,” he says.

Sometimes one gets into a relationship expecting rejection rather than working on it, while someone else may say they are emotionally available but struggle with physical intimacy. James says that emotional and physical intimacy are closely linked; emotions allow couples to have physical closeness.

“Before strengthening intimacy, couples must talk about communication, such as ‘How are we communicating?’ and ‘What are our boundaries?’ What do we both offer in the relationship? How will we handle conflicts, because they will always arise?” he says.

When handled well, conflict strengthens intimacy, while avoidance, criticism and stonewalling weaken it.

He observes that signs of disconnection include not creating intentional, quality time with your partner.

Psychological factors that affect sexual desire in long-term relationships include stress levels, emotional connection, body image and communication.

Building healthier intimacy patterns, James says, needs kind and honest communication, reflection on past patterns, quality time, self-awareness and speaking up when uncomfortable. He says that therapy should be considered when someone feels scared, struggles with trust or loneliness, or feels they are drifting apart from their partners. That is the best time to seek help together.

“Healthy intimacy begins with understanding what you want for yourself,” he says.