Eastlands women are so real, they don’t even fake orgasms but there’s more

Julius Henry ‘Groucho’ Marx once opined that a man does not control his fate. The women in his life do that for him. Suffice it to say that in choosing a life-time companion, a man should never allow his mind to be under ‘head arrest.’ Forget the suburban or upcountry-bred ladies; environment greatly influences personality, which lends credence to the assumption that ladies brought up in Eastlands would make good wives.

A woman born and raised in Eastlands grows up knowing that there is no app for downloading money. She probably saw her father walk from Kayole to Industrial Area as a labourer and her mother washing clothes for others in the hood just to put food on the table.

Now, that is a lady who can eat meat when the month is good and comfortably settle for ‘USA’  (Ugali, Sukuma and Avocado) when things are tight without throwing tantrums, unlike town chicks who would make you drain your account or take a loan just because they are craving for Brazilian steak.

Ladies from mitaa like Kayole, Mathare, Dandora, Jericho, Kariobangi, Huruma and the ilk, might be ‘uncultured,’ even a tad bit ‘classless,’ but they are real. They do not fake anything, not even an orgasm! Chances that she might have a kid or two; whose deadbeat father is probably a manamba whom she met during a reggae session in the hood, are very high. However, that is no big deal. Even Joseph in the Bible cared for a son who was not his and who turned out to be the saviour of the world.

These ladies are diamonds in the rough. All one has to do is to smooth up the rough edges, and by that I do not mean teaching them how to use forks and knives, but rather why they need not extend clenched hands to a man’s paros in the name of a gota greeting. They know the essence of hard work; understand what it means to struggle, to sometimes go hungry and to miss opportunities.

That translates into a woman who will save the little food money the man brings home for rainy days, instead of wasting it on fake nails. These women will budget well and shun extravagance. Lucky are the men who bag such women if they are the hallelujah type. Just ask DJ Moh and how lucky he considers himself for having Size 8, the girl who grew up in Jericho. Did you see her mateke before Jesus and Moh found her?

Ghetto girls are ride-or-die kind of women. If you have one, you should  be proud for getting yourself a mother, concubine, bodyguard, chef and probation officer all rolled up into one. If she does not approve of your clique of friends and deem them as ‘spoiling you,’ she will not give you an ultimatum. No, she will only make sure to add too much salt in their food next time they come calling!

 Woe unto you if you cheat on a girl from the ghetto. She does not come from a lineage of crybabies or softies who will run to their mothers with marital problems. She will stay and handle her stuff, even if it means chopping off your randy little tool. Any attempt to hit her will see you lose a tooth or go to the office looking like you’ve been hit by a trailer. Her is a pedigree of women who are wild but also tamable.

They do not ‘tweng’ or wear expensive weaves. Their faces are not made of thick layers of imported makeup, neither do they dress like mannequins. These ladies are natural and street-smart. Nothing beats a street-smart woman who can survive and make ends meet. These women are loyal to a fault, hard- headed and thick-skinned, but they still make better wives than the ignorant ones from upcountry or the ones from the suburbs who are too full of themselves.

They say that behind every successful man there is a woman. What they forgot to say is that the woman must have come from the ‘hood.’ In this day and age, when women have become more mysterious than the Bermuda Triangle, guys should consider lasses from the ghetto if they are looking for women to settle down with. At least, with these women, you know what to expect.