Salute to all watchmen, but one guard used and dumped my house girl

Good people, it feels great to be back. While on leave, a lot happened. I spent some time hanging out with watchmen and house girls. One of the highlights of my leave was suspicion that my house girl is pregnant. But folks, relax! Will you? The pregnancy has nothing to do with me. I will explain. But first things first.

Watchmen are interesting chaps to hang out with. Oh, yeah. Folks, stop rolling your eyes. I mean, that’s how most of us journalists roll. Just so you know, we hang out with bandits, thieves, rapists, terrorists and other miscreants. I mean, how else do you think we get some of our stories?

Don’t be fooled by the bored looks on watchmen’s faces. From them, you can learn a lot. First, it’s only in Vatican where theirs is considered a ‘dream job’. Here, snoozing is suicidal — crooks are always nosing around to get them lose their jobs or lives. Thus, the average watchman is braver than the armed, stern-faced policemen you see around. Look, when gangsters strike, watchmen, armed with nothing but rungus and whistles, always put up a fight. Thing is, they die like real men; fighting. On the other hand, I have lost count of the number of cops who’ve been shot in the buttocks by gangsters — evidence that they’re cowards and were fleeing!

Secondly, I know most of you hold those weather-beaten chaps in very low esteem. You have more money than them, health insurance and whatnot, but guess what? They are healthier than you — thus live longer. Yes, watchmen have a longer life expectancy than the average Kenyan. So as you proudly strut around like a peacock, just know those poor souls will outlive you. I mean, when was the last time you heard a watchman was admitted in hospital with a lifestyle disease? The smart guy doesn’t do junk food. Ever seen a watchman eat chips? They can’t afford to carelessly eat meat. By virtue of them cycling to work daily, they never grow fat. Well, other than Papa Shirandula, have you ever seen a fat watchman?

Look, the FBI and Kenyan National Intelligence Service guys think that they are on top of things in this country. What might shock them is that watchmen have ‘intelligence’ that can put their spies to shame. The watchman knows what everybody in the estate does for a living. They know how much you earn, who is a prostitute, gangster, terrorist, whose wife sleeps with the neighborhood rogue bachelor and which couple fights every night. Heck, they even know whose teenage daughter ‘lost her flower’, when, where, and the bugger who did the damage.

So as I studied watchmen, I noticed one trying to make passes at my house girl. Initially, the girl had no time for the hairy dude. She began by ignoring him, then sneering. He kept waxing lyrical and trying to regale her with honey-coated tales — in vain. Push came to shove, and she began insulting him — like when he complimented her chubby backside.

Interestingly, the fellow — you know men — never gave up. He kept trying. Much later, she began giggling at his jokes. Giggles went on for a while. By the time I was travelling to my rural home, the two love birds were insanely in love. When I came back, tables had turned, and it was the girl chasing the bugger. You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to tell, in women’s parlance, she was ‘used and dumped’. Bearing in mind the girl is clueless about contraceptives, I’m afraid, she could be pregnant.