I hear about 'mpango wa kando', little did I know I'm one

I have been in a long distance relationship for six months and I am pregnant. Recently, I discovered that my boyfriend is still seeing his ex-girlfriend who he had dated for nine years and apparently they have two children. He has kept this from me all this time and despite the fact that I specifically asked him if he has any children somewhere.

I called him one evening and the woman picked the call. This really hurt and somehow stressed. The fact that I am expecting his child makes me love him even more. Should I walk out of this relationship or should I give him the time he has requested to sort this issue out? I am not sure if he really loves me or even wants to get back with me even though he says it is me he wants. {Joan}

Your Take

I honestly think there is nothing for you in this relationship. You are dealing with a serious player and the sooner you leave him, the better. It is sad that you are pregnant, but be encouraged that you and your unborn child will make it with or without this other man. Take heart and trust that God will see you through. {Mary Njeri}

First, you must realise that a nine-year old relationship juiced up with two kids may not die any time soon. Also, the fact that he is not married to you means that he does not owe you any substantial responsibility whatsoever except to your unborn child. The guy might not be in love after all because he wouldn’t have allowed the “other woman” to receive your calls. {Rosaliah Mwende}

The best thing to do however painful is to cut links with him. The sooner you do this, the better for you sweetheart. Let me remind you that this man will not marry you anytime soon -- he is just wasting your time. Forget him and focus on raising your child. {Angela Wamalwa}

He is only using you as a side-kick and chances are high that he is married. Ask him to support you financially, or at least make sure that he supports the child but don’t let him take advantage of you. Remember that his first priority will always be his wife and children. {Andrew Didy Chaplin}

You are living in self-denial and you may need to open your eyes wider. You obviously cannot compare nine years to a mere six months. You may also find it awkward to compare two children with a pregnancy. Their relationship is not ending any time soon so start planning your life and stop hoping that he will leave his wife for you. {Ouma Ragumo}

Counsellor's Take

Joan, to get the right answer, it is essential that we get the facts right. You may need to unlearn what you know and look at things from a different perspective so as to identify everyone’s rightful position in this love triangle. This is helpful in defining things as they are rather than as they would be to be convenient for us.

Let us go through the facts in this matter; one, your relationship with this man is long distance; two, it is only six months old; three, you are pregnant; four, he has an “ex-girlfriend” who he dated for nine years and has two children with and five, she is picking up his calls. Those are the facts as you state them but maybe some need to be rephrased to reflect the actual situation at hand. According to you, you are the legitimate woman and she is the intruder in his life. However, if you go through the facts again, it is quite clear who the legitimate partner in his life is – no need to mention names.

Yes, I know, he told you she is his ex and you are his girl but I tell you that is a common line for any man who wants to keep two women at the same time. When caught, men will always shift the blame to a third party who in most cases is most effectively his ‘ex’. This ensures that he continues enjoying the precious fringe benefits without too many questions asked. The ex-girlfriend story always has an extra topping when a man is caught pants down – it helps to intimidate the new girl so she is placed on the defensive and she tries her level best to ensure that he is not taken away by this desperate, ill-minded, low-stooping and selfish woman who wants to get him back so bad.

The facts are clear; this guy is married to the other lady and you were brought on board to satisfy some of his basic “manly” needs. The fact that your relationship is long distance makes it even more convenient for him. It is unfortunate that you are pregnant but facts are facts and now you have to deal with the pregnancy issue head on.

I may be wrong but if she is picking up his calls, she had two children with him and he is staying with her – you may need to count your losses and make a decision. At best, you may want to get his views on the role he wants to play in your life as well as in the life of the child. {Taurus}