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Even the best of friendships may hit a rocky patch when one of you has a baby. You may have neither the time nor the energy to have an in-depth conversation with your partner, let alone your pre-baby friends.
A study in the US found that 74 per cent of mothers said having a baby had affected their friendships, with 72 per cent completely losing touch with some of their old friends.
Of those who continued to meet up with childless friends, 48 per cent said they found it hard to find common ground.
Best of friends forever
Friendships thrive on shared interests and experiences, and it may simply be easier and more comfortable to socialize with fellow new mothers who find a conversation about your baby’s bowel movements as fascinating as you do. Moreover, you can have a good laugh comparing hilarious baby-brain moments.
Your childless friends, meanwhile, may struggle to understand your newfound baby obsession or why you can hardly string a sentence together - let alone the effort it took to get to the meet-up at all.
But making the effort to nurture your relationship with pre-baby friends is worthwhile. Old friends are a great source of strength, and they can help you step out of the baby bubble and remember you’re a person as well as a parent.
Experts advise that these pre-baby friendships were not established from one commonality-being a mum-and there may be a deeper connection from shared interests, personalities and having a history, often stemming from childhood. These are the friends who will support you unconditionally, and who you will often turn to later in life.
Also remember that pre-baby friends often end up having children of their own. If you neglect these friendships, it may be more difficult to salvage them later, even when you’re in similar circumstances.
Here are tips to help you keep old friends close, despite the different paths your lives are currently taking.
Talk frankly
Even before your baby’s born, a frank talk with your friends may help ensure you don’t lose touch afterwards. You’ve probably both experienced another fiend having a baby and subsequently disappearing from your lives. Have the conversation early that you want there to be honest communication once the baby comes along.
Make an effort
For the first weeks or months of motherhood, it may be difficult or even impossible to arrange an evening out. But a quick text while feeding or a late-night email will let your old friends know you still care. Make the effort, even if it’s just an invitation for them to join you in your daily routine.
Involve them
Don’t assume your childless friends won’t want to join you on baby and toddler outings or at family events. Some may be keen to be involved. Try to integrate friendships into your new life by extending invitations to birthday parties and family events-they can always turn you down!
Have adult time
On the other hand, as impossible as it may seem, some of your old friends may not be really interested in your baby. Try not to take this personally.
It may be difficult to get out of the house without your baby but it’s worth making the effort-for yourself as well as your friends. Child-free time with your old friends is crucial as it will not only strengthen your friendships, but also be a healthy break for you to have some adult time.
Be interested
You may feel that you don’t have anything interesting to say now you’re stuck in a domestic world of childcare and chores. Don’t worry-your powers of conversation will return when you emerge, blinking, from the baby phase! In the meantime, be interested. Ask your friends what’s happening in their lives, be a good listener and make sure they know that what’s going on in their world is still important to you.
Stay sensitive
Understand that some friends may have mixed feelings about your new situation. They may not be childless through choice: they could be unhappily single or unhappily married: they could be having problems conceiving or previous pregnancy might have ended in miscarriage. Think about this before moaning your sleepless nights, or bombarding your Facebook friends with endless updates and photos of your baby.
Finally, try not to see your different lifestyles as a barrier, instead, celebrate the value you each bring to the other’s life.
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