Dear Coleen: He says he loves me – so why won’t he leave his wife?

Dear Coleen

I have been involved with a married man for a year now. We are both involved in the same sporting circle and everyone in it knows what’s going on and supports us.

He wants to be with me and it kills him every day. He says he doesn’t love his wife and can’t be himself when he’s with her, but he cares for her.

This isn’t just coming from him, it’s coming from his friends who say they can see the difference when he’s with me.

My man also says that he knows he would be 10 times happier with me and that there’s no competition between me and his wife.

He also says he loves me, but is scared of leaving, which I think is because of his house and the financial security. He’s 31 and I’m only 20, so there’s a big age gap too.

He says he hates doing this to me and that I deserve better, but I don’t want anyone else – I want him.

I have a hard time trusting people and he’s the only person I’ve ever loved and trusted. He knows more about me than anyone else and vice versa.

He even says that any major milestone in his life has always caused arguments with his wife. And he doesn’t even get on with her family, but he gets on with mine very well.

They’ve been married just two years but together for six. He’s always been chasing me, though. What’s your advice?

Coleen says

So, it all sounds perfect then – apart from this wife of his who’s in the way. Yet he won’t leave her to be with you because he’s scared of losing a house? Yeah, right.

If I loved someone as much as he’s saying he loves you and my marriage had no chance of being saved, the hassle of dividing up a house wouldn’t stop me.

He needs to man up and stop being a snake – his wife deserves better, whatever she’s like with him.

If your parents love him so much, why can’t he move in with them until he sorts out his living arrangements? To be honest, I think he’s feeding you a load of rubbish.

He’s stringing you along because he has the best of both worlds – a cosy home with a loyal wife and a whole separate life with you.

I’d love to hear his wife’s side of things. She probably never sees him because he’s playing sport 24/7 or he’s with you. You need to wake up to the fact that you’re having an affair with a married man – stop romanticising it.

You say he’s the only person you’ve ever trusted – why? He’s not showing himself to be trustworthy because he’s cheating.

If he left her tomorrow, would you trust him when he went out alone or would you be thinking, ‘He cheated on his wife, why wouldn’t he cheat on me?’ I think he’s playing you.