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My on and off boyfriend has left me with low self-esteem, I do not think another man will want me

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I have tried ending things with him countless times, but then he texts me and I reply, and so it starts again

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Dear Coleen

I met a guy online about four years ago. We have been having sex on and off since then.

He’s always saying he loves me and misses me, and yet he will not commit to me in any way at all.

We text one another a lot, but don’t see each other much.

He says he has his kids every weekend, so is totally unavailable from Friday night to Monday morning.

When we do meet up, it’s just for sex, a quick chat and then he leaves. I have never been to his house and never met his kids, family or friends.

In fact, we have never been on a proper date.

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I have tried ending things with him countless times, but then he texts me and I reply, and so it starts again.

He’s blown hot and cold over the years – going from wanting a friends-with-benefits arrangement to getting engaged.

I have no one else in my life – my second marriage ended four years ago when my ex of 15 years cheated on me.

I’m 49 and feel like I am totally washed up and should just forget about having a man in my life.

Coleen says

If you’re washed up at 49, then I’ve been on the beach for a while!

Look, of course you’re not washed up – this man is making you feel that way because he’s destroyed your self-esteem.

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He’s a player and quite possibly still married or at least living some kind of double life if you’ve never had a proper date or met any of his friends or family after four years of dating – even if it has been on and off.

You’re not a failure – your marriage failed, which is something that happens to many people.

Your problem was getting involved with this man straight after your marriage ended when your self-esteem and confidence were low.

Instead of using it as a bridge to move on, you got stuck on it and kept hoping for more and that he’d make a commitment. He won’t.

I think he says these nice things to keep you coming back for more, but he only wants to see you when it suits him – for sex.

He’s had four years to prove himself and he hasn’t – he’s only proved that he’s a disrespectful idiot.

You need to move on from him and give yourself the chance to meet someone who isn’t.


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