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Couples spend 40 minutes a day bickering about the housework – and women still do three times the chores that their men do, according to two recent surveys.
Here’s our guide to making sure the dirty work is evenly dished out.
1. Ask nicely
How you ask can make a big difference, says psychologist Dr Joshua Coleman. He says: “Because men are sensitive to any suggestion that they’re of a lower status, you will probably get more co-operation if you state your requests as requests, not demands.”
2. Explain you need help
At the start of a relationship, many women show their love by pampering their men and doing everything for them, says psychologist Eva Speakman. Problems arise when kids and more responsibilities come along and men are still not lifting a finger.
Eva’s husband Nik, who is also a life coach, suggests sitting down with your partner to talk about how life has changed. He says: “It’s always best to start the conversation with something you agree about, like:
‘Do you remember when we got together how we agreed to do everything together…’ It’s non-confrontational so you are more likely to get a full answer.”
3. Don’t let him say it’s not his job
A common excuse from men is that they work all day to maintain the family’s lifestyle, so they shouldn’t have to do anything when they get home, says Dr Joshua Coleman, author of The Lazy Husband – How To Get Men To Do More Parenting And Housework.
He suggests that while acknowledging your partner probably does work hard, point out that although you don’t get a salary for being a mum and doing the housework, your time is precious too.
4. Ask your partner to be a better role model
Explain to your partner that he will be setting a good example to the kids if he helps around the house. “Part of the problem when a husband or partner does not share in everyday tasks is that children pick up on that,” says Rob Parsons, who is the author of The Sixty Minute Family.
5. Build a team
Instead of laying blame or off-loading tasks, show how you want everyone to co-operate together in the future. Explain that having a more pleasant, comfortable home that runs efficiently is in the whole family’s interests.
6. Point out the upside
Dr John Gottman, a psychologist at the Gottman Institute in Washington has found that when men do more housework, their partners are more attracted to them and they have more sex.
Women feel more cared about by partners who pitch in – and help around the house also cuts their stress levels. Dr Gottman says: “Women find a man’s willingness to do housework extremely erotic.”
7. Give credit where it’s due
Beware of going into a sulk because your partner is not helping with traditionally feminine tasks, like washing or ironing. Give credit if your man does his bit by doing the things that suit him better – like getting the car serviced, filling up with petrol, tidying the garden or taking the dog for a walk.
8. Work out each other’s strengths
Do you hate unloading the dishwasher, but your partner doesn’t mind it? Then allocate the tasks accordingly. Psychologist Eva Speakman says: “A relationship is like two parts of a puzzle. To fit together harmoniously it’s important each party has equal responsibility, though not necessarily 50/50 in every aspect.
One partner may give only 25% in one element and 75% in another.”
9. Spell it out and teach them how
Have you actually told your partner what you need, or are you being long-suffering and expecting him to guess? Don’t criticise everything your partner does either. Many men don’t attempt “female” tasks because they think they are not very good at them – or haven’t had the practice.
Explain gently how you would like a job done – like sorting washing or dressing kids. Even if it’s not perfect at first, give credit for effort.
10. Be persistent
Don’t give up if you don’t succeed at first. Eva says: “Men have the knack of suddenly needing to do something just at the point when you give them a task that may not be their favourite job.
“The trick is to give them 24 hours’ notice, then a reminder in the morning. Follow it up with a quick text for good measure if you’re not at home, plus a little thank you, and an ‘I love you’.
“That will usually do the trick!”
Nina Todorova, 35, has been married to Nick, 34, for six years. They have a four-year-old son and a 15-month daughter and live in Surrey.
“There have been times I felt Nick was not pulling his weight around the house. It was particularly bad after our son was born – and he didn’t get involved much.
Looking back I think Nick was just scared and wasn’t sure what to do. The first time I left him to ‘babysit’ when I came back at 12.30am our son was still up. Nick said he’d forgotten to put him to bed!
“Next time, I explained to him how I wanted it done to the letter so he had clear directions.
“It’s all about how you ask men to do things – and encouraging the feeling that we’re a team.”
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