Help!! My manhood refuses to rise to the occasion

Dear Maggie,

I'm currently experiencing erectile dysfunction and whenever I get it up, it is very weak. I've undergone some stressful imaginations over the past three weeks concerning my girlfriend. Please help me to come back to my previous status.

Vincent from Kakamega

Dear Vincent,

Erectile dysfunction can be a distressful experience and I hope that this can be a new beginning for you.

First, let us look at how an erection works. Your biggest sex organ – your brain – gets a message that you would like to have sex. Arousal follows (an erection) and then you proceed to have sex with your partner. This is obviously a very basic explanation but it will serve our purposes.

Now, when you say that you have "undergone some stressful imaginations over the past three weeks" concerning your girlfriend, it suggests to me that your weakened erection and erectile dysfunction – which I'm assuming means inability to successfully complete a sexual act – are stress related.

In other words, when your brain gets the "I want to have sex" message, it receives an "I want to have sex but what if...? I want to have sex except that...I want to have sex but..." The messages that are sent are received as clouded by something else that is counter to pure, raw, sexual desire. There is interference, in the form of imaginations regarding your girlfriend.

Imagine this: you're eating a piece of cake which you're washing down with soda drank through a straw. As you sip your soda, some pieces of cake naturally find themselves going down the straw as back wash from your mouth. A few sips and bites later, your soda bottle now contains a lot of soda with pieces of soggy cake right in there with it. Would you wish to continue sipping this soda or would you feel a little disgusted and set it aside?

It's kind of similar to what you're describing: your brain receives clear signals of sexual desire, those signals are responded to but with pieces of cake (unhelpful thoughts about your girlfriend and/or the strength of your erection) and after a while, even your penis seems to refuse to cooperate. Wouldn't it be prudent for you to remove those pesky, soggy pieces of cake so your sex messages are sent back and forth with clarity minus all the gunk?

My first piece of advice to you is this: challenge the truth or reality of those thoughts so you can gain clarity in what is truly bothering you. You actually call these thoughts "imaginations" meaning that they are a creation of your own mind and not necessarily based in reality. Is this true? More importantly, what is the fear underneath these imaginations? Are you afraid that she will leave you? Are you wondering whether or not she enjoys sex with you? Have you been wondering if you are able to satisfy her in or out of bed? I'm suggesting these options with the hope that one of them will trigger a thought that will lead you to the answer because only you can know this. Once you gain some clarity, ask yourself: where is my proof? The human mind is an interesting organ because it can be your best ally or your worst enemy. By this I mean that it can turn one small thing into a huge massive deal only to face your fear and realize that a lot of it was made up of made up stuff: things your powerful mind imagined, so challenge those thoughts instead of taking them at face value. If you do discover that your imaginations are based in truth, don't panic. Even when we have bad news, we still have the benefit of decision. You have the power to make a choice about what to do with whatever information you have on hand: please note that I said "information" and not "imagination".

It might be the catalyst you need to propel you into being a better man/boyfriend/partner. It might illuminate to you the need to wish each other well and move on to the next thing that life has to offer. It might be a much-needed reminder that everything is ok and that you have spent 3 weeks worrying for nothing. Whatever comes, trust your ability to handle it, and handle it well.

As a side note, I would like to point out that too many men seem to doubt the strength of their erection. I'm not sure why you feel that your erection isn't strong enough. You also don't mention your age so I will just point out that as men get older, the erection becomes different from the days of their youth, and yet plenty of men keep enjoying their sex life well into their senior years. In other words, be careful about entertaining and even nurturing thoughts that are destructive to your sex life. I hope that you can gain the clarity that you need regarding your imaginations and your real-life relationship with your girlfriend, so you can get back the joy and satisfaction of sex!

Maggie Gitu is a marriage, family and sex therapist. Reach her on: [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu