Confessions: I haven't had sex with my husband in more than a year

I had an affair two years ago and got found out, and since then things haven’t been the same

Dear Coleen

I haven’t had sex with my husband for a year. I have told him he doesn’t turn me on any more.

He does try but it isn’t the same – I just don’t want to do it with him. He also drinks a lot and we don’t have much cash.

We don’t have children together but he has one boy, who’s 16, from a previous relationship.

I should add that I had an affair two years ago and got found out, and since then things haven’t been the same. Maybe it’s because of me?

Coleen says

Or maybe you need couples counselling. It sounds as if you’ve never dealt with the affair and have tried to carry on as normal when the situation was far from normal.

An affair changes the relationship for ever and if you decide to stay together and try to make it work, you have to accept that.

And it could also be the reason why your husband is drinking a lot – he’s avoiding facing up to things, too.

You sound pretty sure that from your side, the relationship is beyond repair, yet you’re not really dealing with it.

It’s as if you’re hanging on in there, hoping you’ll wake up one day and suddenly fancy your husband again.

The bottom line is, nothing is going to change unless you face up to it and talk it out honestly.And I think couples counselling, where you’ll both have the opportunity to explain how you feel in a controlled environment, is a good idea before you throw in the towel.

You’ve lost your way but whether you end up staying together or splitting up, you owe it to each other to confront it so you can both move on.