Most affairs are not about sex; they are about something much stronger.
Most affairs are about the emotional human bond.
When an emotional human bond is missing or is weak in marriage, it is very easy to turn to an outsider who will share that human bond. Soon, you are married but you enjoy chatting with that outsider more, you make time for that outsider more than for your spouse, you play your responsibility as a spouse but then lean on that outsider for an emotional connection, you run to the outsider for emotional comfort when your spouse hurts you, you scheme for dates and outings with that outsider, you get excited at the call or text of the outsider.
This emotional human bond is so strong that even though you are legally and socially married to your spouse, your emotional loyalty is to the outsider and so you start to hide or delete messages from the outsider and you become defensive when your spouse warns you or tells you to keep off the outsider.
You feel it unfair that your spouse, your pastor, your counsellor is telling you to leave the outsider who connects with you "better" than anyone else. This is why once an affair has grown emotional roots, it takes a lot of deliberate effort to break. It is hard to let go of someone who feeds your emotional needs.
It doesn't matter whether that outsider is a colleague, a friend, a married person also, a junior at work, not as successful as your spouse; what that outsider offers is an emotional bond that is just between you two. This is why if your spouse cheats and you are wondering why your spouse cheated with someone "lesser" or not as successful as you, you are missing the point.
For some, this emotional bond with the outsider can be so strong that they forget to play their role as a spouse and parent. The human need for companionship is so strong and sometimes leads people to do unhealthy things.
For some, this emotional bond with the outsider leads to sexual experiences to cement the connection, but remember, it is usually not about sex. For others, they struggle to make sure it doesn't get sexual but they know boundaries are being crossed.
The best way to affair proof your marriage is to have a strong emotional bond between you two so that there will be no need for an outsider. Meet each other's emotional needs, be the person your spouse can flirt with, talk more than domestic responsibilities with, lean on, cry on, laugh with and be real with. No one wants to feel lonely in marriage.
If cheating has occurred, be it emotional or emotional and sexual; the best way to redeem your marriage is to revive your emotional connection, spend more time together, make each other feel special, make new memories, move past the fall. It may be difficult at first, but if both of you are committed to nurturing the bond, it will be strong. A bond takes time to nurture.
We are most loyal to the one we share an emotional bond with.
© Dayan Masinde
In my book, MANHOOD SERIES, I walk with men through the journey of understanding themselves and their woman.
In my other book, WOMANHOOD SERIES, I walk with women through the journey of self-discovery and how to relate with the man.
To purchase the MANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word MAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.
To purchase the WOMANHOOD SERIES written by Dayan Masinde, MPESA Ksh. 200 to 0721590954, then text the word WOMAN and your email address to the same number and the book will be sent to your email address for you to download and read on your phone or computer.