Can a marriage thrive without sharing feelings?

Hi Chris,

My husband just won’t talk about his feelings. He doesn’t recognise mine either! It’s really getting to me. He’s a great husband in every other way, so how can I resolve this issue?

No Feelings

Chris says,

Hi No Feelings!

Some men are brought up to be like that. If that happened to your husband, he’ll probably start talking about his feelings eventually. However, he may also have a condition called alexithymia, which would make things more difficult.

Deeply alexithymic people can’t talk about their emotions at all. In fact, they simply don’t understand them. Neither their own nor other people’s. Severe alexithymics are often unaware that what they’re feeling is an emotion. They’ll deny being upset when it’s quite obvious that they are.

This difficulty is not a mental illness or personality disorder. It’s common among people who experienced emotional neglect in childhood, but there’s often no obvious cause.

Keep Reading

So it’s not surprising that your husband is driving you nuts. But he’s not doing it deliberately. He may not even know what you mean by ‘emotions’.

He has probably developed a set of responses to social situations that sound normal and empathetic, but you will have noticed that he loses interest too quickly for them to be genuine.

He may also lack imagination or creativity. Conversations with him may therefore feel monotonous and frustrating. They are factual, literal and logical, with few opinions or reflections. He probably doesn’t enjoy emotional novels or films either.

Deep alexithymic individuals are usually terrible at romance and intimacy because both require empathy and imagination. Consequently, sex with them never feels like making love. Even though they can learn sexual techniques, their approach is almost always mechanical, impersonal and awkward.

However, the fact that you describe him as a good husband is a good sign. An experienced therapist could help him understand his emotions and become more empathetic. Hearing a therapist explain what’s going on can be life-changing for both partners.

All the best,

Chris