I am attracted to other men

I still find myself being attracted towards other guys [Courtesy, Files, Standard]

Hi Chris,

We’ve been dating for a while now, and it’s beginning to feel more or less permanent. But I still find myself being attracted towards other guys. And I’ve noticed his eyes often stray too! What’s going on? Are we weird or something?

Can We Be Faithful?

Hi Can We Be Faithful!

You’re not weird. Being faithful is not easy.

And you can’t avoid noticing attractive people, in fact it’s completely unconscious and automatic. Even flirting is difficult to suppress when you’re around someone good looking.

Naturally, you feel guilty about your feelings, but actually it’s better to just accept that they’re inevitable, and concentrate on resisting the temptation to act on them.

Most people define being faithful in terms of sex. But some people try to draw the line much earlier, like at the ‘straying eyes’ stage. But we just don’t have control over our subconscious and how it reacts to attractive people.

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So where do you draw the line? Is it all right to kiss someone other than your partner? Or what about flirty e-mails to someone on the internet?

Unfortunately couples seldom spell out their boundaries to each other. So they end up with totally different ideas on where the limits should lie, which leaves plenty of room for misunderstandings.

Like one of you may fix the limit at not having sex with someone else, but otherwise anything goes. While the other sets the boundary at not having flirtatious conversations with anyone else. And even the expression ‘having sex’ is ambiguous. Especially after the event.

So you really must talk about it all. Right now, long before anything uncomfortable has happened in your relationship. Though even then that’s not easy, with it’s implications of distrust and insecurity. Just start.

Discuss where your feelings on the subject may have come from, like a previous relationship. And explore setting a boundary that includes each other’s limits.

Something like ‘you’ve reached the boundary when you realise you’re doing something you can’t tell your partner about.’ Which hopefully you’ll never have to put to the test.

All the best,

Chris