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Wife vs slayqueen: Who will win the war?

 Who will win this war? (Photo: iStock)

While it is a common belief that understanding a woman is difficult, we are progressively realising just how difficult it is to grasp a man's motivations.

One woman will be brought home, and they will go out with a completely different woman from the one they left behind. Because the ladies that their husbands entertained in clubs had light skin, our mothers drained their bank accounts by lightening their complexions.

The third and fourth ones that their husbands brought home bore no resemblance to the first two, so they strove to speak English if only to sound like their intelligent co-wives.

We started putting on more weight on our behinds whenever we saw our husbands with an Adhiambo because we had failed to learn from our own mothers. In an effort to domesticate them, we lightened our skin to match Fatuma wa Kaloleni and replaced our kinky hair with Brazilian hair.

Since then, we've come to the conclusion that nothing in the world can truly satisfy a man. They carry a gene that roams and will never be content with what they have.

Like hyenas, they will abandon whatever they are eating, regardless of how delectable, to go taste what belongs to someone else. Men are supposedly attracted to meek women, yet despite what our mothers were told, their husbands hung out with the more abrasive women who sat next to them at bars and engaged them in political discussions.

Due to the misconception that the route to a man's heart is through his stomach, our subservient mothers chose to stay at home and prepare meal after meal. Since then, history has taught us the hard way that males have many opportunities that they might take advantage of for enjoyment.

Our more sophisticated co-wives are using other orifices to unseat us from our enviable positions as we blindly feed their buccal cavities.

We are progressively learning to love ourselves and put ourselves first as we come to terms with the fact that we cannot satisfy men. Experience has taught us that you cannot rebuke a man for lying and hope to find a better one down the block because all men are brothers.

In contrast to their Western counterparts, who will divorce one and marry the other, people back home will marry one person and keep a long line of others.

The Kenyan man will indeed only rest upon death. Down here, they will continue sampling anything that is different from what they already have. Jumping ship is not the solution, thus we have discovered alternative means to bind our bonds.

The unmarried are sick of being single, while the married are sick of marriage. As a result, there is a steady flow of people walking to and from marriage. Humans naturally desire things they do not already own, women included.

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