Confessions: I feel awkward making small talk, what is wrong with me?

Hi Chris,

I like spending time alone and enjoy long quiet conversations that explore feelings and interests. But I feel awkward making small talk, and really have to be dragged to parties!

Somehow I cannot ever seem to find quite the right response when someone is trying to be nice, though actually people are not often nice to me, and say I am moody and shy. But I am not.

I am pretty good when it matters, like in meetings, and I can even do great presentations. So why aren’t people nice to me? What is wrong with me?

Loner

Chris says,

Hi Loner!

There is nothing wrong with you, you are an introvert! People tend to put introverts down because they are in the minority and aren’t fashionable these days.

The words extravert and introvert describe how we deal with the two worlds we all live in. The world inside ourselves and the world outside.

So you are extraverted when you talk to other people, analyse a conversation, cook dinner, or repair a car. You are introverting when you think about how you feel, mull over a problem or ponder something you want to do.

This means everyone does a bit of both, though most people naturally prefer one type of activity over the other. Introverts are not necessarily shy.

Shy people tend to be anxious in social settings, while introverts can be confident and skilled. Introverts are not antisocial either, they are just happy on their own.

Extroverts on the other hand hate being on their own and quickly get bored if they are by themselves. Introverts are misunderstood because extroverts cannot imagine what it feels like to be anything else.

They assume that company is always welcome and cannot imagine why someone would want to just sit and think. Extraverts tend to dominate public life, so they set our expectations of what is normal and desirable.

Being outgoing is considered a mark of happiness, and being described as a ‘people person’ is a compliment. Introverts are described as loners, reserved and quiet. None of those sound flattering, do they?

Female introverts suffer the most because a man can get away with being ‘a strong, silent type’. But introverted women are more likely to be described as timid, withdrawn or proud. Extraverts tend to think introverts are arrogant.

But actually, they are often very intelligent, thoughtful, independent and sensitive. Their lack of small talk is often taken for snobbery. But actually, it is just that they prefer to think before talking.

Maybe one day, introverts will be more widely understood, and it will be okay to say, “I really like you, but please be quiet!” But do not hold your breath.

Or try to change. Just remember that most of the world’s movers and shakers have been introverts.

All the best,

Chris