I am 23 and torn between my ex and current girlfriend

I am 23 and have been dating this lady for about 8 years until June this year when we decided to call the relationship off. The main reason for the break-up was that I often flirted with her friend and this apparently hurt and made her very angry to the point of hurling insults at me and my family. She even had her sister tell me frequently that she moved on and wants nothing to do with me. I moved on as well but after I found another girlfriend, she returned to beg my forgiveness and asked me to take her back, which I did. Now I am in a dilemma of having to choose between the two of them. I love them so much but don’t want to take advantage of either of them. Please advise me.

{Roy}

WHAT THE READERS SAY:

Roy, it is sacred to forgive so I will encourage you to do so. However, getting back together with the woman you parted ways with a while ago may not be the best option. You had picked your bits and moved on, continue. Were you to get back only to realise it still can’t work, you will be a total mess. Besides, you may not be sure of what she wants or what she is up to.

{Tasma Saka}

At 23, the truth is that you are still maturing and equipping yourself with better skills of love. There is much more waiting for you in terms of love than you really think and going through now. Take some time off the two and try to find yourself first and you will be a batter person when you do.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

It seem you were each other’s first love and that both of you were not mature enough when you met. The thing with ladies is that they don’t let go that easily their first lover’s and this is why she is back. She knows very well that you can’t date her friends but she is still jealous about this. Accepting her back will only add on to your list of problems. You shouldn’t have given her that chance again. Forget about her and move on otherwise she might just be after you breaking up with this other lady then she leaves you again.

{Fred Jausenge}

So you started dating when you were 15? That was quite young for both of you to understand what love really is. That’s why you are facing these challenges now. Take time off relationships and concentrate on more important issues in life first such as your studies, career etc and you will be able to handle love properly.

{Aseri Dick}

SIMON SAYS:

Roy, Roy, Roy, at your age I will excuse your having to struggle with such an issue in your life. As you advance in age, you will realise that life is a lot easier than we tend to make of it and some things are just not a big deal after all. Nonetheless, I will help you through this but most importantly, open your eyes to some relationship realities.

First and as a rule of the thumb, you should never and I repeat never flirt with another lady in the presence of your girlfriend. This extends to offering complements, showing even the slightest form of affection to any of her friends. This works women up like wild fires and in some instances, you may be lucky to get off with a slap otherwise you may end up nursing serious injuries as a result of harmless, casual flirting.

The other critical thing is that women are wired to play the other way when they want to manipulate the men in their lives. For instance, after the break up, she had her sister come up to you on several occasions and make it clear that she moved on and that she wanted nothing to do with you. This was only a test to assess your reaction and check to see if you are still interested in her. Whenever she sent her sister to you, she would be waiting somewhere as nervous as a mouse to hear how you reacted, what you said, did you appear to be lonely and stressed and much more. By telling you that she found another guy, she would just be trying to get you jealous and to know that other men are also interested in her even though no one has even as much as looked her way.

So now you have a new girlfriend, she gets wind of this and comes begging for your forgiveness -- this is playing just by the girl-book. When she broke up with you, she expected you to put up a fight for her; now you have moved on so things did not go according to plan and she now has to salvage the situation.

The best thing to do in your situation is to end your relationship with her to give both of you time and space to meet other people, explore other relationships and get a little time to mature. You need this as you are still young and if you are lucky, your paths may cross somewhere in your future but you will both have matured up and learned a few more things about life. If you don’t do this, you will struggle with such issues for a very long time.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

BOKE SAYS:

At 23 and having dated for 8 years sounds a bit strange. That takes us back to when you were only 15 years. At that age, I can confidently say you did not have the requisite knowledge to make an informed decision on relationships. This could be the reason you are making the kind of mistakes you are finding yourself in.

Of more concern is if you ever got the time to concentrate on other crucial areas of your life such as your studies and career. While it is important to develop all spheres of our life, some of these areas are time-bound. Take for instance the acquisition of basic education. This was the period you needed to focus on your education.

For now, you seem to be more preoccupied with your relationships. Well, for your information no one in a serious relationship  entertains flirting with other people. Your girlfriend got hurt and allowed you to move on and it seems it was so easy for you, yet you claim to still love her. And not just that, you are in love with both girls now.

You cannot grow a firm relationship that way. You need to be decisive. I think you need to take a break from this relationship. Give yourself a break from the two girls and refocus. On who to finally settle for, that is a decision only you can make.

Take time to grow yourself, grow your character, and your knowledge on relationships before getting back to the dating scene. Learn from people, read books. This will make you a better person as you relate with whoever you decide to.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology