There is no such thing as 'the one'

After interacting with many young people desiring to find the perfect life partner, I have come to the conclusion that many have unrealistic expectations finding ‘the one’. Generally most would like to find a prince charming, good looking, drives the latest car, has a good image, high income, a good job, or a thriving business and of course great looks as well.

This matter is not a walk in the park. Enough young women are struggling with finding suitable partners. The more I have pondered on this matter, the more I have wondered whether there is any such thing as the perfect partner...finding “the one”. I am of the opinion there is no perfect “ONE” this can simply be a matter of chasing after the wind.

Sometimes, in search of ‘the one’ is so elusive that many wonder how they ever get themselves hooked in a relationship that in their opinion, is not edifying.

One woman, Sophie, wondered the same. “I feel nothing about his man that I married, I do not even love him, I don’t know how I could have ended up with him. I could have done better and I feel trapped. I want out! What do I do?” she wondered in frustration.

Falling in love has nothing to do with perfection, it simply happens and does not always make sense.

Falling in love is a mystery, staying in love is not based on the attraction but attachment and commitment. It is about making a decision, that you have made a choice and will make the best of it.

There may be no such thing as the perfect one, but there can be found an “IDEAL ONE”. This person goes beyond the looks, the money, success, charm and influence.

It is about the meeting of minds, values, beliefs and making meaning to the relationship. Meeting “the one” is not about the feeling, it should involve reasoning too by engaging some intellect.

Marriage as an institution is not new. One would wonder what happened in the past. Did they have challenges finding “the one” or is it a modern time challenge? Historically, marriage customs in Africa and many communities of the world was of significant importance to the family and the community at large.

The selection of a marriage partner was a culturally defined process guided by parents, relatives and communities, it was a significant rite of passage that was anticipated and celebrated largely.

There were three forms of practised marriage; marriage by capture, marriage by purchase and marriage by choice which was rare. Several researches on this topic indicate that marriage customs in other parts of world have patterns similar to the history of marriage customs in Africa.

My Grandmother was married by capture, she was kidnapped prior to the marriage ceremony ended up with my grandfather begot six children, of which I became a by-product.

Regardless of how the marriage was managed, my grandmother like many of her peers in those days was a happy woman and made the best of life, for her that was the best that she could anticipate. I had a special relationship with her and benefited from her wisdom.

I am of the opinion that parents need to take a pivotal role in supporting their young adults understand how to find “the one” way before they become of age so that they can understand that it is not about feelings, but does involve facts to a large extent.

While attraction does place a significant role in finding the one, there is a lot more guidance gleamed from significant others and in particular, parents, close relatives and friends.

The writer is a relationship expert and author, “Marriage Built to Last” series. You can reach her on: www.jenniekarina.co.ke