Confessions: At 28, I still secretly suck my thumb, should I tell my fiancée?

I am 28 years old and a lab technician working in Nairobi. I have been sucking my thumb ever since I was a child. I have always been teased about it throughout my school years and also in our estate but I have never managed to quit. Now that I’m working, I do it secretly, especially in bed. I am now engaged and my fiancée doesn’t know about it. I don’t know how she will take it. Do I tell her about it or do I wait for her to find out for herself?

Matthew

What the readers say:

Dear Matthew, in life, natural forces override our ideal plans and dreams. In most cases, these forces are beyond our control such as your habit. However, I have got you clearly as you say you are now only sucking at night and that means you can actually stop the habit but you deliberately don’t want to stop it. All in all, expose yourself completely to her during this engagement period and only commit to marriage if you prove she can tolerate your flaws all through to avoid conflicts or even divorce.

Dolly Olimba?

Matthew, habits once learnt take time to unlearn. What matters most is for you to accept the situation then work squarely on it. You said clearly that you no longer do it in public, to mean that you are already managing it. Never say that ‘I have never managed to quit’ you can quit it if you decide to. I say this because you have reduced the time and frequency you do it. You only do it secretly in bed. What if you found something to keep you busy while in bed? You could stop thumb sucking, I suppose. I would like you to check on the triggers of this, if it is idleness or weird thoughts, check on this. What initiates this activity is all you need to check. As you come out  of it, remember unlearning a habit is gradual. Give yourself a timeline and adhere to your set ground rules. Avoid self-blame during this whole process, learn bit by bit and soon, you will enjoy the fruits of determination. You will have stopped it completely.

Ouma Ragumo-Sifuyo

Hello Matthew, this is a behavioural disorder that, at times, can significantly affect your physical and mental health. If not handled well, it can lead to shame, low self-esteem and depression. This behaviour may cause significant self-distress or damage and affect your ability to function on a daily basis. It may be a dilemma whether to disclose this condition to your fiancée but I would suggest that you professionally make it clear to her for a better future.

Rev Willis Atoyo? 

Matthew, adults who suck their thumbs do so to try and reduce anxiety, stress or boredom or help them to wind down. Over time, it becomes a habit that’s almost involuntary. Without vigilant hand washing, it may introduce dirt and bacteria into the mouth, potentially causing an infection. It’s not about telling your girlfriend or not, it’s about finding a solution to this because it’s incredibly disgusting to associate with an adult who sucks his/her thumb. You must make a conscious effort to get rid of this habit. Try popping a mint or a stick of gum into your mouth when you feel the desire to suck your thumb. Above all, see a mental health professional to provide you with other tools and coping mechanisms. Behavioural therapy might save you. 

Fred Jausenge 

Matthew, in psychology, you suffer fixation and it is worse when you are conscious and would rather conceal it than fix it. I wonder how you will behave when your fiancée finally moves in. My advice is, don’t bother struggling to tell her. Just be yourself and let her notice it and then she becomes part of the solution or part of the problem. If she asks, explain to her it is something you don’t understand, just the same way you fell for her. Accept and even be humorous about your conduct, and you will finally win the war against it.

Tasma Saka

Boke says:

Matthew, not many people carry the thumb-sucking habit into their adulthood. Thumb sucking is a reflex action that, in many cases, can be traced back to the womb. However, most children are able to drop it once they get to school either because they get busy and preoccupied or because they are laughed at by their mates. Thumb-sucking is a form of stress relief, the same way we have nail-biting. 

The habits act as a safe place for you where people escape from anxiety and fear. If you are very keen, you will notice that the urge to suck your thumb gets unbearably high when you are going through moments of anxiety.  

It is also possible that you could have undergone some trauma somewhere in your childhood. It is important to have this addressed effectively and exhaustively. That is why it will be important to talk to a behavioural therapist especially now that you should have dropped the habit way back. 

I know you could be worried about any negative side effects it could have on you. Apart from it not being so acceptable at your age, thumb-sucking can affect your dental structure and increase oral infections. 

Keeping yourself busy and occupied is one of the ways to help yourself out of this. When you are fearful or anxious, get a fidget toy, or practice other other forms of stress relief such as exercise. 

As for telling your fiancée about it, go ahead and talk about it. This should not be a serious boardroom kind of discussion. Make it as light as possible but do not wait for her to discover it on her own. That is the spirit of being open. In addition to being open, she could also be your support in terms of helping you overcome this.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology