So he left you? Don’t beat yourself up too hard

THE TOPIC:

I am 24 and have tried looking for love with no success. Whenever I find a guy, the relationship does not last more than a month. In the process of searching for love, I got a baby and the guy abandoned me.

This made me develop hatred for men but I still want to find someone who can genuinely love me. Whenever I talk with men, they don’t believe I am single.

They say that I am too beautiful to be single. I don’t know what I am doing wrong and why it is so hard for me to keep a relationship. Please advise me.

{Helen}

 WHAT READERS SAY:

Helen, they say that experience is the best teacher but you have very little experience with life. Beauty does not always guarantee that you will get a man or that men will always want to be with you.

You have to learn a lot more about relationships and mature emotionally to build strong and meaningful relationships. Find out what it is you are doing to keep men off or what it is they don’t like about you and you will be on your way to finding true love.

{Loraine Mwangangi}

Do not lose hope and think that just because you have a baby, no man will ever want you. I know a guy who married a single mother of two, and to be truthful, he had even more attractive women by his side but he chose her. She was actually quite manipulative in the way she did things.

She has a 4 year-old and a 2-year old. Now, they are expecting a child and are happy together. He did this despite constant warning and ridicule from his family and friends so, it is possible.

{Stella Kemunto}

Beneath your strength lies you’re most lethal weakness. You must have learned that panicking will only disturb you and make you feel bad about things.

I encourage you to cool down and patiently comb the environment and you will get this man who has been waiting for a woman like you. There are many men who are looking for beautiful girls as others run away from them. Take life one step at a time and you will find what you are looking for.

{Tasma Saka}

Life is full of challenges and while you may not get all the answers you need, you will always get some clues to guide you. It is still early and you are still very young and with time, you will find true love.

If you continue acting clingy then more children await you as you try to please men. Also you must be having a clue about what it is that puts men off with you, so think about it and act on it.

{Ouma Ragumo - Sifuyo}

SIMON SAYS:

Hellen, many people go through this phase you are going through and the struggle to find genuine love is always difficult and elusive.

This does not mean that, at some point, we ought to stop searching but rather that we have to keep trying. It is only in trying that we can succeed in anything that we do.

It is unfortunate that at 24, you have a child with a man who wants nothing to do with you or the baby. This is totally irresponsible of him but you should not allow yourself to be held hostage by your past. The baby is a gift from God and it was his decision to give you that gift at an early age.

The baby is now a permanent part of your life and anybody coming into your life should be made well aware of this. For the men you meet, it should be to either accept you as you are or leave you to move on with your life. With time, you will find one who will love and accept you just as you are with no misgivings.

When you meet men who will have an issue with your baby, just know that those are jokers out to take advantage of your beauty and take off immediately thereafter.

Yes, it can be a problem when one cannot seem to keep a relationship but do not be too quick to beat yourself up too hard.

The problem could be with the men you meet and get into relationships with. Evaluate those relationships and try to see when the relationships tend to go south – there should be a trend from which you can learn from. In keeping relationships, one just needs to be “yourself” and not to expect too much from the other person.

I would, however, recommend that you take some time before committing too much to a man. Get to learn more about them and give them some time to learn more about you.

When people get to learn about each other better, they stop being judgemental about issues and form more solid relationships.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

 BOKE SAYS:

Though not obvious, there is definitely something that could be making your relationships fail right at the initial stage but allow me point out a few things.

One, you seem to be under so much pressure to be in a relationship. This could be pressure from your peers and parents or it could be self-inflicted. This pressure ends up making you anxious. Unfortunately, anxiety does not bring out the best in us.

Eventually, you get into a relationship acting desperate. Desperate people tend to be clingy. They are not aware that they are suffocating the other person. This can be a real put-off and when people see this, they take off as fast as they can. 

Secondly, there could be a possibility that you are hasty and therefore you do not allow the relationship to grow at its own healthy pace.

You have mentioned relationships lasting for only a month and the fact that you got a baby from one of the short stint relationships. This indicates that things could be moving too fast.

I suggest that you relax and take the pressure away from yourself and do not allow anyone to put pressure on you. Enjoy every stage of your life, there is nothing wrong with a beautiful girl like you being single. You don't have to be in a relationship. You need the right person in your life.

Quit acting desperate and you will attract the right person. Otherwise, you will fall prey to individuals who will take advantage of your situation. Now that you have a child, you need to be extra cautious of who you allow into space and life. Yes, you deserve to be loved but wait joyfully for the right person.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

 NEXT WEEK'S QUESTION:

I am deeply disappointed by my boyfriend whom I have known for some time now. We had dated for a while but broke up at some point.

After some time, I found out he was actually dating my sister. When I asked him about it, he said it was none of my business so I decided to keep off.

I am really hurt by this and I know I still love him but don’t know what to do about this. He even told me to go in search of another boyfriend as he no longer loves me. Please advise me.

{Pauline}