My husband hurls insults and hits me regularly

I am 25, my husband is 32 and we have been married for four years now. I have had a happy marriage until early this year when my husband started  acting violently towards me. Many times when we argue, he grabs my neck and punches my back. He also hurls insults at me whenever I have a different opinion from his. I think this is getting worse and I don't know what to do. Please advise me. {Naomi}

Your Take:

Naomi, there are obvious red flags to avoid in a relationship and these include anger, desire to control, jealousy and actual violence. Unfortunately, many violent people manage to mask these tendencies only for them to be discovered later on.

Engage his best man, a church minister or an elderly person who is respected by both of you. Assure him of your commitment to the marriage.

{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

Remember you have had a peaceful marriage all these years, so something is wrong somewhere. Look back and try to identify the cause of all this. You may even involve close family friends, family members or your pastor to help you through this.

{Fred Jausenge}

Do not wait until you are maimed to open your eyes to what is going on. Try to find out why he is behaving like this and know that compromise is and has always been the pillar to a happy marriage. Learn to accommodate each other for the sake of the family. Try other avenues to see if they bear any fruit and if they don’t seek help from the authorities.

 {Ouma Ragumo}

You ought to start planning to go back to your parents before your limbs are chopped. Also, if you have not legalized your marriage, it is high time you legalised it otherwise your husband’s behavior is a clear indication that he is having affairs. Try and talk to both his and your parents before taking any drastic measures.

{Onyango Outha}

Your husband may be under some form of stress. Talk to him and reach out to him towards knowing what the problem is. If this is not addressed early, he will harm himself or the family. {Tasma Saka}

Look at the past and try to identify the point at which things went wrong. If you don’t do this, things will only get worse for you and your marriage.

 {Tom O.}

I think your husband has a bad temper that needs to be controlled. If he has not been violent the last four years, then there must have been something either you or him was doing right. Sit down with him, talk about this and try to get a compromise that will suit both of you. Be open to each other.

 {Robert Kanyi}

Counselor’s Take:

Naomi, violence can creep into a relationship in many ways but one thing is certain; that violence is triggered (by either of the parties) or is a signal of a drastic change in things.

On a general scale, people and especially those in a relationship are not normally violent and this is why the last three or more years have been relatively peaceful. You told us that it started early this year and it seems to be getting worse. We are going to explore these two paths and try to find a solution to this.

As stated, violence can be triggered or provoked by either or all parties in a relationship. Why has his aggression increased in recent months?

I am no supporter of violence as a means to solve issues but I would ask you a question that I ask most of my clients to much dismay – could you have done or be doing something to provoke him into violence?

Do not get me wrong but in most problems a definite path to finding a solution to a problem is looking inward before looking outwards.

Look out for incidences or things you could have done or perceptions you have that could have and continue offending him to the point of provoking violence. Try and think deeply about this and if you find something, please move to address it. If you don’t find anything then we move to the other path.

Is there a possibility that something could have drastically changed in the last one or so years? Has he exhibited signs of an extra-marital relationship?

 He may have fallen out of love with you and this is at times one of the signs that a man has fallen out of love with you and is in love with another woman. This may be a strong proposition but it remains to be a common situation and has triggered violence in many relationships.

If you find something that you may have done or have been doing to provoke him into violence then move with speed to address it. If you cannot find anything, pick this matter up with him on a subtle note and seek his explanation into all this.

Be open-minded and assure him that the two of you can discuss this and get a lasting solution out of it. However, if the talks don’t bear any results, you may need to separate yourself from him for a while to give space for deeper internal reflection on yours as well as on his part. Sometimes the most logical choice in a continually abusive relationship is to move aside for a while. {Taurus}