How to find love after being hurt

By Joy Carole (www.joycarole.com)

If you have ever been hurt in your love life, then you will know the pain that comes with it cuts so deep to the point that it can turn to hatred. Ironically, it never stops even when you are in a relationship because two different people will always have varied ways of reasoning and beliefs, thus leading to constant conflict.

I have been hurt before and it took time for me to recover and move on from a punctured esteem, negativity, hopelessness and never seeing myself being in a romantic relationship. I guess life cannot be always what you envision, people come and go; and situations happen to either make or break you.

In the end, the way you choose to handle your broken heart determines who you will be, what you believe in and what you want from life because you will be feeding on what comes from it.

It's been roughly four years since I got my heart really broken; save for the normal dating disappointments and arguments which leave me seeing red. Looking back, it took me self-will, inner strength and courage to change a lot about myself to heal from my past. If you are forlorn, hate dating and anything about romantic relationships makes you sick, trust me you can recuperate without even being in another relationship; and for this to happen, try out the subsequent tips.

1. Letting go of the past

Forget it. Let it all go. Holding on to what happened or should have happened serves no constructive purpose since it makes you sad, piteous and angry. Eventually, you will turn into a very negative being and you are the one who will be hurt instead of the person who broke your heart. If you want peace, choose it. If you want to be happy, choose it. If you want to move on, let go. People say this is easier said than done but how else will you move on if you don't relentlessly try it out?

2. Forgiving the person who hurt you

Forgiving the people who hurt me in my past relationships gave me a second chance to start off from a clean slate and focus on my advancement. As much as you may have been hurt to the moon and back, find it in yourself to forgive the perpetrators. Do it for your peace of mind as you won't be able to sally forth if you hang on to the resentment and hate. Forgiveness is food to your soul while hatred is poison; and the only thing that separates the two is choice. Choose what will make you better.

3. Knowing the part you played in making your past relationships end baldly

It's always easy to blame other people for something gone wrong, forgetting there is a possibility you also contributed to making it go that way. Take time to find out what you may have done to bring about a bad end to your former relationships.

Did you condone the wrong things that destroyed what you had? Did you settle for less for a few moments of comfort and love? Did you ignore all the red flags that showed the relationship was not functional? Did you not stand up for what you believed in or wanted? Did you get into a relationship without having a plan for it? Did you lose who you truly are just to please someone else?

Through finding out what you did, you will be able to settle on wiser decisions when you want to love again. Never move from one relationship to another without taking time to reflect over what happened because that is the only way you will learn and grow

4. Being open to love

If you want to find love, be ready to be loved and give it back. Stop hating love or anticipating a bad relationship as it might lead you to not being motivated to work on your next relationship. Conversely, being open to love doesn't mean you fall in love with everyone who comes your way. A lot of people know how to put on a charade just to get what they want; and to avoid an imminent disappointment, take time to know the person you are interested in so that you don't end up re-writing history. You definitely will need someone who will help you recover, has your best interest at heart and won’t pressure you into doing what you don't want especially if you need the time and personal space.

5. Knowing what you want from your likely lover

Have a plan for your next relationship. What would you want from your would-be lover? What do you expect him or her to do so that the relationship works out? Where would you want your relationship to head once it kicks off? What are the compatibility characteristics you will be looking out for? Doing this will result in focused and effective romantic interactions as you will know what you are going after. Clearly, it will be pointless for you to look for love and when you find it, you have no an idea of what to do with it.

Always keep in mind that no one is perfect and human beings can disappoint you even if they promise not to. For this reason, don't assume that your prospective lover won't do things to make you sad or angry. This is part of life and the best way to handle it is to actively resolve your problems, choose to trust your partner and never give up on improving your love life especially if you work well together, get best out of each other and your attraction is not detrimental to yourselves.

Ultimately, before you ever find love, concentrate on your growth because if you can't develop and seek ways of being better, achieving your goals, being happy and staying at peace, how do you expect to do all that while in a relationship? Your betterment is necessary in making your next relationship thrive; and if you kick it off while holding on to baggage that does not foster your improvement, it will undeniably give you a wrong foundation that will lead to an unhealthy relationship.