Raising resilient kids through separation and divorce

Eight-year-old Njeri Mwaura stood by the doorway, clutching her pink backpack. Inside it were her exercise books, a pair of sandals, and her favourite stuffed rabbit. It was a school night, but instead of bedtime, she was waiting for her father to pick her up.

 “Mum says I will sleep at Dad’s house today,” she whispered to her nanny, eyes darting nervously. “Tomorrow, I don’t know where I will be,” she added mischievously.  This situation had now been running into its second year since her mother and father had separated. They had filed for divorce and the proceedings were ongoing.

For children like Njeri, separation is not about lawyers or property. It is about navigating two homes, two sets of rules, and the gnawing fear of losing the sense of family. For parents, the pain of a broken relationship is heavy enough. But the bigger question lingers: how do you protect your children from carrying scars they did not cause? 

In Nairobi’s South B estate, Mary Mwangang’i (not her real name) recalls the day she and her husband decided to separate. “We sat at the dining table and realised we could no longer talk without anger. The children were watching us. That day I knew something had to change.”

Mary and her ex-husband agreed to part ways but struggled with how much their three children, aged 6, 9, and 12, should know. “We wanted to shield them, but they were already overhearing whispers and fights,” she recollects.

Child psychologist Dr Danny Gitau explains that children often internalise conflict. “When parents fight constantly, children blame themselves. They may think, ‘If I behaved better, Dad wouldn’t leave.’ However, separation is less damaging than constant hostility. What matters is how parents handle it,” says Gitau. 

In Nakuru, twelve-year-old Kelvin Okoth asked his mother a heartbreaking question: “Mum, if Dad starts another family, does that mean I am not his son anymore?”

Kelvin’s mother, Joyce, admits she was unprepared. “I didn’t know what to say without making his father look bad. I just told him, ‘You will always be his son, no matter what.’ But deep down, I wished we had guidance on handling such questions.”

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Experts note that children of separation carry silent questions, like, “Where will I live?” “Do I have to choose sides?” “Will my parents stop loving me?”

Gitau says if unanswered, these questions can shape a child’s self-esteem and trust in relationships well into adulthood. 

In Kisumu, Juma Abdi, a single father of two, describes the balancing act: “My ex-wife and I do not get along, but we agreed never to argue in front of the children. We attend school meetings together. It’s not easy, but the children know they are loved by both parents.”

This arrangement, called co-parenting, is increasingly recognised in many families as healthier than either parent going it alone. Family lawyer Loise Achieng’ explains: “The law may decide custody, but parents must decide partnership. Co-parenting works only when both parents put the child’s needs above personal wounds.” 

Separation and divorce ripple outward. In Meru, 10-year-old Anita Nkonge spends weekdays with her mother and weekends with her paternal grandmother. “She tells me stories at night, just like Dad used to,” Anita says with a smile.

Family therapist Lisa Wanjiro notes, “Children benefit when extended family is involved positively. Grandparents and relatives can cushion the disruption, provided they don’t take sides or badmouth either parent.”

However, in the midst of all this confusion and challenges, there are stories of resilience.

Not all is bleak. In Eldoret, 17-year-old Mwania Kilonzo reflects on his parents’ divorce when he was 9. “At first, I felt broken. But with time, I realised I had two homes. I learnt independence and how to adapt. Today, I even advise my younger cousins that parents’ fights are not their fault.”

His mother, Agnes, says counselling was key. “I took Kilonzo and his siblings for family therapy. It gave them space to talk without fear. It helped us rebuild trust.” 

Gitau sums it up: “Separation and divorce are transitions, not endings. Parents must reassure children of three things: you are loved, you are not to blame, and you will not be abandoned.”

He urges parents to avoid using children as messengers (“Tell your mother I won’t pay school fees”) or spies (“What does your dad do at his new house?”). “Such behaviour burdens children with adult conflicts.”

As families face the reality of rising separation and divorce rates, one truth remains: while relationships may fracture, parenting responsibilities do not.