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5 things you should never ask about your man

My Man - By Tony Mochama

Questions not to ask your man
Questions not to ask your man

A blogger I admire called Zulu recently posed ten frequently asked questions (FAQ) by women, that often reflect the effed up men they’re with.

But he rather blithely concluded that “women don’t ask questions they don’t know the answers to.”

But what if they really do not know the answers to these questions, and are genuinely asking a Zulu to help them out?

Zulu said women will pose a question but even before they “finish asking, you can hear the answer between their lines.” ‘Men Only’ will refuse to presume – and answer the women.

1) I have been living with this guy for two years. He used to talk about a wedding, but then he stopped. Why? Was moving in a bad idea?

It depends, dear. There is the saying, “why buy a cow when you can get its milk for free?” Think of your living in sin these last two years as a test drive, with you being the MV being test-driven.

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Perhaps you have not performed according to expectations? So now you are on car hire as opposed to “being bought.” But this is better than getting married now, only in 2020, to begin seeing lawyers for a decree nisi because you two are basically incompatible. Enjoy the free ride.

2) Why do men cheat?

I will try to be as candid as possible. I live on this seventh floor ‘pent-house’ and every time I pass by the fourth floor, evenings, there is this Cushitic lady who seems to cook the exact same meal every freaking day – like the smell is the same, Saturday through Friday.

(Sometimes I think the fourth floor is an astro-physical Time Warp of Scents because next door to her, there is this mystery Nigerian I’ve never seen, though heard, whose scent of weed wafts out into the corridor).

Now consider a weekly cycle of fish on Sunday, beef on Monday, pizza on Tuesday, chicken on Wednesday, mutton on Thursday, pork on Friday and goat-meat on Sato. Mouth-watering, isn’t it? That’s why guys cheat. Caveat; beware of bloated tummies and food-poisoning.

3) My boyfriend does not spend money on me. I am the one who pays the bills. What should I do?

Stop! When you come to a red-light in traffic, you stop. I have a serious problem with men who refuse to be men and have no shame in letting women take care of them – and the women who enable these lazy couch-hogging gigolos!

Are you his mother? Naturally, men are meant to take care of women, not vice versa, amigo. So unless he’s suffering from multiple sclerosis, ‘wacha alipe’ bills. Even real-life MS sufferer Steve Hawkings (see ‘The Theory of Everything’) pays his.

4) His sisters don’t like me. He never comes to my defence.

Ahhh, the common ‘Monsters in Law’ strike again. Basically, he’s less afraid of you than he is of his sisters, so you must increase your Quantum of Terror, sister.

My sister didn’t get along with a certain missus of mine once, so I cut sis off. When this lady became an ‘ex’, my sister and I resumed normal relations. Just like KTN, Nation, Citizen.

5) Why are men so selfish?

Perhaps because more men than women realise that you are born alone, and will most likely die alone. Unless, of course, we are riding with Beryl Itindi on the front seat of a fast-moving Kamayole Forward Traveller – and end up in a fatal accident! (TBC next week).

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My man Things Never ask Man

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