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Dirty thirty is as real as it sounds

 Prepare to enjoy your thirties (Photo: iStock)

Thirty is such a deal that people would always welcome this age with some weird excitement and expectations.

Dirty 30, as we informally refer to it, is a phase and stage in life where people, especially women, are supposed to have found themselves enough to start the walk towards 40. The dirty three zero is a realisation age, unapologetically.

Now let's have this interesting conversation about sex on the third floor. We've definitely read and talked about this before in one of our very many social conversations, had some banter about it and even experienced it at some point in our lives.

Sex in the 30s is something that needs an Oscar! A standing ovation. Hello 30s, are we here? It gets better and dirtier than those shoddy things people do in their 20s. We hardly have good sex on the second floor of this life. Third floor is where it all gets brewed like your all-time favourite traditional beverage.

No guesswork, pretence, shame, nothing like an incompatible pair - it gets done the way it's supposed to, to its perfection. Pure ecstasy! People in this phase of life have had enough disappointments and regrets and they just want to have life live in them like never before!

A healthy woman's sexual prime starts when she hits 30. It might delay into her mid-30s because she might still be wondering what to do with herself at the earliest of 30.

Finances, kids, career and what-have-you will have her sexual drive tampered with. But the moment she fixes her shit, the party begins. It gets messy and the drive gets heightened.

The urge to have better and quality sex and a lot of mind-blowing orgasms picks up and peaks at this age. No taking chances.

Thirty-plus can be referred to as the sex-positive age bracket in a woman's life. This is when and where a woman who knows herself well and understands the benefits and dynamics of sex, good sex, doesn't give an eff about being slut shamed or judged about her sexuality. She knows her preferences and goes for them, she chooses rather than waits to be chosen, she is basically sexually liberated and would settle for nothing but what she deserves, in perfection.

No unsatisfying intimacy goes on here because both of us are in this for maximum enjoyment. A lot of women fake orgasms and make fake loud screams in their 20s just to massage their partners' fragile masculine egos. Maximilla, we don't do that here on this floor! Thirties cum with sexual easiness, confidence and transparency. Say things as they are. Call out bad sex, guide and be guided. You need it, you gerrit.

Body shaming normally makes a woman have fears of having and enjoying a good shag. This happens a lot. Small or saggy boobies. Small booty. Love handles that are not so attractive. Cellulite and stretch marks, etcetera etcetera. These are just some of the things that women worry about when they undress for the bread of life. In her thirties, a woman is comfortable in her own body and skin. She is less insecure about her saggy boobies because she breastfed three now very grown humans and no, nyonyos were never meant to stand at attention for all the days of our lives!

Sex is two-way at the 30s. Unlike during teenage right into 27th, 31 where women give and men receive, third floor women know sexual satisfaction. Nothing like 'being used'. In any case if there would be any using, then it's the woman who will use. Here, babes own their sexuality and they don't use sex as a way of justifying anything or manipulating anyone. It's all about just having a good time. Life has been hard enough out here.

There's less sexual anxiety in the 30s because a woman has all her shit knit together and all she wants is just a good shag of life. She knows what she loves and would say a straight no to what she doesn't subscribe to. She is not here to perform some weird bedcrobatics and break her backbone just to please her partner, she is neither in the business of counting shots or shorts. Babe just needs quality. Satisfaction - period.

Dirty 30 is not an age for judges, moral cops and holy Mary Magdalenas. Holy Joes, prayers and fasting cannot redeem the level of fire and horniness at this phase of life. It is messy. This chaotic age should come with a lot of self-respect and sane mind because it can be a recipe for funny recurrent infections and unplanned pregnancies resulting from one night sexapades.

Dear woman in your 30s, don't hide and kill your sexual urge for fear of being judged by your peers, the women guild and even your partner. Go for it. There's no known cure for horniness than sex, good sex. Get a good lay sweetie. Have good, messy sex in your 30s and compensate for all those shoddy three-minute episodes you had in your 20s.

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