Friends you must ditch before Christmas

Last Saturday my editor here Rose wrote about the seven types of friends she thinks every woman should have – the counselor, the motivator, the crazy one, the blunt one, the supporter, the sensible one and the spiritual one. But just like every positively charged proton has its negatively charged electron, every one of these types of friends has her opposite but ‘alike’ number – like a personality paradox. And here they are. The Know-it-all pal That annoying friend who thinks she has it all figured out – from how to get that perfect figure through exercises to where the best figs can be found (dear men, these are the topics women share, while you are assessing your chances of getting the girl with the large posterior or debating the (de)merits of different whiskies or Premier League defenders). It doesn’t help when this advice, however accurate, is delivered with that all-knowing sneer that you may have spied on the face of Grace Mugabe on many a live television event lately, before they forced her to flee to Namibia (in the ultimate case of a man choosing his domestic hobo over his Olde Boys from the war – but that’s a tale for another Saturday). The Competitor The editor may have called the anti-matter of these ones ‘motivators,’ but while motivation is a great thing, I genuinely think there are many women out there who get into friendships based on unhealthy competition patterns – and some are even siblings (sisters). From boyfriends to dresses to residences, these types of rivals – who imagine they are friends – are constantly trying to one-up one another, a very expensive enterprise

. The Derailer Men suffer more from this type of friend, the one your better half hates because every time you get together, you disappear for the weekend, and there is no development in your life together. But women can also have ‘derailers’ in their lives who will lead you into loneliness, if a lady isn’t careful. She is the one who will lead you into drunkenness, or immorality, or a casino, or a cult. Derailers destroy. The discourager Life is a risk, but sometimes you just have to take a leap of faith and jump. And this is where the great discourager, what some may call friends with a very negative vibe, come in. This type of friend always knows a thousand ways something will not work, why you will fail, why that type of guy is wrong for you – but the truth is they are discouraging you because if you get ahead, they fear you’ll leave them behind. The Backstabber ‘Et tu Brutus!’ That was the plaintive cry of the great Julius Caesar millennia ago as his best friend in the Senate stepped up to plunge a dagger into his abdomen. ‘You too, Brutus?’ The Brutus in your life is that friend who laughs with you, you tell her your secrets, or sorrows, and she shares them with everyone behind your back, as if you’ll not be friends tomorrow. It is your best friend in the office who tells the boss how ‘useless to the organisation’ you are in a confidential report, so you’re retrenched. The Moaner We all have different problems in this life, believe me – and everyone needs a shoulder to cry on… from time to time. But then there’s that friend whose relationship with you, as a woman, is one long moan – often ending in a request for a loan. She will complain all the time, and when you meet up for wine, it ends up in one endless whine. The Holier Than Thou You remember that snitch from primary school who was teacher’s pet? You remember that leader of CU in high school who finally became deputy head girl in Fourth Form? Well, she grew up and became the Bible verse spewer in your circle of pals. She is the judgmental one, always ready with a side-eye when you socially go astray. That verse in the Bible about someone saying ‘can I at least leave Heaven for a while to go give water to my friends in hell?’ she thinks is about her, and the rest of you, wicked lot. Get rid of these types of friends by Christmas. You have exactly a month left on the calendar.

[email protected]