The headache of sharing love between your children and a new lover

Whether remarrying after divorce or widowhood, many couples face the challenge of balancing parenting and a new relationship. We talked to families who have been through the dilemma and listened to their challenges, frustrations and victories

Sandra, 16, is sad. She narrates how her mother’s new husband stole her love from her and her younger sister, destroying what was once a closely knit family.

“My mom was my best friend before her husband came into the picture,” she says. She describes how her mom left her first marriage of 10 years because her father was abusive. Today, Sandra says, she’d prefer her abusive father to their step-father who she complains has become like the baby of the family. “She pays more attention to him than even to my younger sister,” she laments, and is concerned that she may end up looking for love from men if their mother’s absence persists.

Sandra recalls when she was eight years old and her mother had consulted her when she could no longer bear the abusive marriage and it was time to call it quits. “Consulting me made me feel appreciated and responsible,” she recollects. They had then moved to a small apartment and would have had the proverbial happily-ever-after ending if the man who fell in love with his mother had not shown up.

“Things started changing when my mom began dating this man. The once respectable lady who was always home by 5pm with her children started coming home late and had no time for me and my younger sister,” she laments. The house-help started performing all chores including helping with the homework, something that had always been their mother’s responsibility.

Robert Brault, an American musician once said, “A parent’s love is whole no matter how many times it is divided.” This may be true for children who have experienced full parental love but to some like Sandra, it remains a falsehood especially when that affection has to be shared with a step-parent.

Home together

Unless the parent in question is very particular in dividing love, the family is likely to be disintegrated. It’s therefore prudent to consider the challenges involved in a blended family before getting involved, as experts advise.

Sandra acknowledges that though her step-father took over the roles of her biological father and even bought them a bigger house when he married their mother, it still hurts her to see their mother acting as if she’s enticing him to stay. She argues that her mother behaves like she’s desperate so much so that when she leaves the school where she teaches, she passes by his office to pick him up so they go home together. “If for any reason they don’t come home together, she cannot sit still. She keeps fidgeting, looking through the window and glancing at her phone,” she says.

Sandra says that when her step-father is unwell, her mother can even miss work, yet previously, she would never miss work at any cost. “She’s always restless when they’re not together. I know my step-father genuinely loves her and would still do so even if she did not sacrifice the love of her children,” the young woman says.

The Form Three student dislikes the fact that their step-father came into the picture, their mother easily takes them upcountry to their grandmother during the school holidays. When Sandra once confronted her and expressed her disappointment, she accused her of being selfish and jealous. “That was the first and last serious argument I ever had with my mother, and I wouldn’t want a repeat since I can’t stand hearing her defending him,” she says.

Sandra admits that although her step-father loves them and provides for the family, no amount of provision can be exchanged with their mother’s love. She has already made up her mind to go and live with her grandparents in the village after her KCSE examinations.

Balance the love

While there are people who can share their love evenly between their children and their step-parents, family therapists say that the challenges involved in remarriages cannot be overlooked. As Ann Gathuma, a relationship expert says, the couple should understand that the marriage incorporates other parties such as children and even in-laws from either side. “It’s not a must that the children you find will love or respect you,” she says.

The therapist advises the biological parent to balance the love between their children and the new spouse in order to avert friction in the family. The newcomer on the other hand, Ann adds, should take it slow and learn to fit in the family by respecting their new environment. While things may not progress smoothly and one party can get frustrated when their new family doesn’t function like the previous one, the expert suggests that it is only sensible to remain calm.

Sandra’s case isn’t very different from that of Charles Onsare, a 47-year-old businessman who had high expectations for his family when he remarried after his first wife died.

His three daughters - aged between five and eight years - embraced their new mother and “forgot” about him. “I feel like I no longer exist in their lives because they consult her about everything,” he says and adds that it makes him feel like she’s the biological parent and not him. He however cannot show any sign of envy to avoid hurting his wife who he guesses is completely oblivious of what is happening. “I think she’s just adorable since that is the same reason I married her!” he says.

But he can’t help feeling left out when his daughters are all over his wife and don’t pay attention to him especially when he comes back from an international trip. Charles attributes his wife’s affection to the fact that she’s in her mid 30s and doesn’t have her own children as they agreed not to have any. They have been married for four years.

“I am both envious and curious why the children love her more than they even loved their own mother,” he says. Florence Nguta, 43, got married to a widowed father of three who is 10 years her senior. She says that before she got married when she was 25 years old, she prepared herself well to face the challenges in a blended family. “I knew it was not about me and him and being treated like the religious newlywed was out of question,” she says. She appreciated that she had three children to raise, there was a farm and workers and she had all the obligations of a wife including having her own children.

She says that though the children were sometimes rude to her, she never reported them to their father and like the Biblical wife-of-noble-character she counselled them.

“This has sustained me in my marriage for 18 years now without fighting with my step-children,” she says and adds that she didn’t even realise when they started calling her “mom.”

When she got her own son, Florence never gave him special treatment and ensured all the children equally. “I sacrificed the fun of being the girlish bride to build a marriage on a foundation of love and responsibility,” she says. Florence advises that dividing affection among step-children, her own son and her husband requires loads of wisdom because she’s at the centre of it all and one careless move can spoil her happiness.