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Beats me black and blue but I want to be his wife

Lady Speak

This weeks topic:

I have been dating this guy for about a year and everything seems to be going well apart from the fact that he is somewhat violent. During our courtship, he has assaulted me thrice, the latest of which he pushed me down the stairs. I was admitted in hospital for 17 days and have since recovered. He always apologises after beating me up and reassures me that he loves me very much but I doubt this because I think he is on drugs. Most times he will have this totally different, apologetic and romantic personality where he spoils me sick then he beats me up again. In the latest instance he threatened to put scars all over my face so that men stop looking and admiring me. I always end up forgiving him because no one has ever loved me the way he does. He proposed for me to be his wife when I was in hospital. My family thinks I am crazy but I think I am truly in love with him. Please advise me. {Ruth}

Your take:

Ruth, suppose one day he gets high and strangles you? He is not about to change because you will always be there to listen to and take his belated apologies. When he’s sober tell him that he should change if he wants to keep you. He cannot always feign apologies for the same mistakes. {Tasma Saka}

You are putting yourself at risk and may end up on a wheelchair. Your parents are wise people and they know what is ahead of you. Before thinking about anything else, be bold with him and get him to seek help from a professional counsellor. With this, you will even come to understand why he may be using drugs or other substances and why he is extremely violent. {Onyango Outha}

I know it is tough to get over someone you genuinely love and he may be the best man you have ever dated. However, the violence he subjects you to cancels out all the wonderful moments you have shared. Move on and start praying for him. Who knows? He could be suffering the effects of some kind of inner wounds. {Amambia Steve}

Ruth, it is my hope that you are not clinging on to this man because he is a source of financial security. You have to be honest with yourself about this. Perhaps your past has left you craving this kind of stability and it is clouding your judgement when it comes to your life. You need to reach out to someone for help, someone who you know will not allow you to look back. Take the bold step and save your life. {Susan Cherono}

Counsellor's take:

Ruth, you know this relationship is wrong but you are trying so hard to justify why you are still in it. The apologies and sweet gifts don’t come from his heart, these are just tactics he has perfected to ensure you don’t take legal action against him.

We have seen many such relationships and I can assure you that things never get any better. The violent character and somewhat double-personality and the overly possessive behaviour are reliable signs that he is often under the influence of something.

Nobody deserves any form of abuse be it physical, emotional or psychological. In relationships and marriage, disagreements will always arise but the difference is in how we settle them. They are not sorted out through physical assault and threats but through dialogue.

The sad thing is that in all cases, violence often only escalates; he pushed you downstairs last time, next time he will shove you off the balcony. The landing will not be as smooth and it will not take 17 days to treat a broken back or neck.

Oh, and I almost forgot about the marriage proposal. That is the biggest joke of the century! When you assault someone, it is almost guaranteed that action will be taken against you. His actions can get him charged with assault, aggravated assault and even attempted murder. His proposal to you is his insurance to ensure that you don’t take any action. Considering the magnitude of this matter, he knew that small gifts will not be sufficient to win you over. For now, he will cry, do your laundry or even call your mother just to show you how sorry he is but in essence he will only be covering up for his deeds.

So family and friends think you are crazy? Kindly add me to that list and know with certainty that you are indeed crazy. I know sometimes you may feel like you could have done something to deserve this and that you should forgive him but you really don’t deserve this. By staying on you will only be increasing your vulnerability to even greater levels of assault which may include but will not be limited to physical disability and death.

Walk out of this relationship or else, it is others that will either help or carry you out of it. If he is assaulting you like this during your courtship, how will it be in marriage? {Taurus}

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