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Do I go for the man I love or the one who loves me?

Lady Speak

Dear Coleen

I’m in love with someone I’ve known for three years. We were together for a year, but we both decided that we acted more like friends than lovers, so we ended the relationship.

We have the same group of friends so it was easy to still see each other and it seemed normal at first – and any romantic feelings I might have had for him had completely disappeared.

However, because we have the same mates, we ended up at a party one time and we had sex.

Since then, whenever we’re drunk we always end up in bed together.

To complicate matters, there’s someone who has told me multiple times that he loves me and I do have some feelings for him too, they’re just not as strong as those I have for the other guy.

I know my ex is only interested in me when we’re drunk, but I can’t help how much I like him. I feel awful for the other guy – he treats me so well and frequently asks to take me out on dates.

Who should I go for? The person I love or the person who loves me?

Coleen says

Honest answer: neither. Your ex is treating you like a friend with benefits and you’ve admitted yourself that he’s only interested in you when he’s drunk.

Unless he agrees to commit to you, this relationship is going nowhere.

Plus, are you sure you’re not just drifting back together because it’s easy and familiar?

Maybe there’s a reason you ended up in this situation? As for the other guy yes, he sounds lovely, but if that chemistry doesn’t exist between you it’s not something that you can manufacture.

And you can’t just date him because he’s nice to you.

You need to spend some time on your own to decide what it is you really want and give yourself the chance to meet other guys.

Stop sleeping with your ex – and if you’re worried that you won’t be able to resist his charms, then don’t go where you know he’ll be, or, if you do, don’t get blind drunk!

And tell the other guy you just want to be friends – stop leading him on.

When the right person finally comes along, you won’t be analysing it and overthinking it – you’ll just know that it’s right for you.

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