Why should I act like a wife if he won't marry me?

Dear Coleen

I’m beginning to think that we shouldn’t be living together if he won’t consider marrying me. I want to move into my own space and continue to date him.

My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. I would love to get married, but it looks like that’s never going to happen. He’s just not interested in marriage. I love him very much and I don’t doubt that he feels the same way about me, but this marriage thing is always at the forefront of my mind and I feel hurt by his unwillingness to commit.

I think part of the problem is that we live together and I’m tired of playing the “wife” without actually being a wife. As a result, he’s recently had to pick up the slack at home, doing things like housework, cooking, grocery shopping, and laundry. I haven’t said so, but I feel like I’m on strike.

I’m beginning to think that we shouldn’t be living together if he won’t consider marrying me. I want to move into my own space and continue to date him, but I don’t know how to say so without him thinking that I’m leaving him. Please help.

Coleen says

Is that really what you want to do or is it a test to find out how committed he really is? If it’s the latter then it’s a big gamble – it might backfire on you and he’ll tell you to go or just won’t seem bothered you’re moving out. Where does that leave you? I think you need to delve a bit deeper and find out why he’s “not interested” in marriage. Maybe he’s just one of those people for whom marriage isn’t important but that doesn’t affect how he feels about you or how committed he is to your relationship.

Perhaps he’s frightened that once you’ve got that certificate, things will change. It could be any number of reasons, but you won’t know until you open up the discussion – without being angry or accusatory.

If you really feel it’ll help your relationship by moving out, then be honest and tell him that, but don’t make it an ultimatum or threaten him with it.

And be prepared for the possibility he may say it’s over for him if you do move out. You have to weigh up if it’s a risk you’re willing to take.