Divorce transition: Breaking up is not always absolute

Two city lawyers recently made social media headlines because of their love lives. One for dressing his new catch in clothes similar to what his former bae loved to wear. The other for taking photographs of a lunch date with his former wife, whom he had announced on social media that they had divorced.

The two lawyers are well aware that lawyers ask for payment up front when opening a file for divorce proceedings. Couples have brought wonders from the corridors of romance to the corridors of justice. The law is very clear that in matters of the heart, all is fair, hence justice can be served outside the precincts of the law.

Word has it that one day, back in the day when divorce proceedings took longer, a lady walked into the courtroom pregnant. When the judge asked about it just to place it in the context of the matter before her, she was told that the man she was divorcing was responsible for it. There are also cases of couples turning up in court in matching “kitenge” outfits. All these were when lawyers were working on the final details of the dissolution of the union.

The second city lawyer has baffled friends and foes with the photos, leaving those who fall in between with the courage to ask questions. Are they now back together, or was the announcement of divorce a bluff? Does the legal profession also require what our Tanzanian neighbours call “kiki” –social media likes? A renowned Kiswahili author once said, confuse them by doing what they least expect.

To those who have gone through divorce and from many stories on social media, this is not new. There is a season between separation and actual divorce when confusion is the hallmark of the relationship. It’s a pendulum of emotions, bitter-sweet, love-hate, hot and cold. The heart still longs for the warmth of the past while the mind knows that it is over. In this battle, the heart always wins foolishly.

It is worse for the one who left the union. They find themselves going back while questioning their decision to leave. This also throws the one who was dumped into a bin of emotional roller-coaster. They still love the person, but they also feel betrayed; in between, they entertain the thought that they could have changed their mind. Until hope dies, love will simmer. Love is always the last to die, just after hope, before a marriage does.

There is also the question of how children are coping. They may be too young to process the whole scenario, which complicates matters. After some time apart, they come back together in the hope of creating an enabling environment for the children. Parents may also exert pressure, now that bonds have been created beyond the couple. Because one parent always has a sway over the child, a party will go back just to show them that they did their best, they tried.

In all this confusion, sex will happen and those who have confessed say the sex is different. Maybe distance and time apart rekindled the passion. It confuses even the stubbornest souls. It rubs off the swearing and clears the cobwebs of shame. The shame from what one had told parents and close friends. In most cases, they know that two people who have shared a lot in life, the connection doesn’t just die off.

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The downside is the party that was dropped coming back to beg and cry for a second chance. The processes that were made in the dating session are nothing compared to the renewed vows of respect and commitment to the union. They even change and leave whatever made you leave. For the sake of love, children, family and mutual friends, you agree to troop back and give it another chance.

This season can take months or even years. Experts have said that a woman will leave emotionally before she leaves physically. This interim season before the final leaving will come with a brief departure for the lady. It is the breakup–make-up season when she gives herself a second chance and then extends it to her spouse.

Those who are fortunate manage to weigh the options of losing the bird at hand and starting all over again against salvaging the bird. They chose the difficult work of reorganising the foundations and rebuilding. When wisdom steps in, then the cost of rebuilding the old one could be lighter than the cost of starting all over again with another person.

Most African cultures do not recognise divorce, so these court proceedings are always a middle-class problem.

To the average Kenyan, you can break up and reunite later, even if the husband has taken another wife. The office of the first wife is never in dispute. Where children are involved, there is always the underlying belief that the union is good for them, even if they are adults.

So, when you see a couple who have separated or are undergoing divorce sharing a hearty moment, just take a deep breath. In love, as it is in war, all is fair.