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Help! Endless arguments are killing my marriage

Marriage Advice
 Are couples supposed to argue all the time? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

My husband and I are committed to one another, but somehow we seem to spend all our time in endless miserable arguments.

Why is it so difficult for a couple to sort out their differences? Somehow it seems the closer we get, the harder it becomes.

Endless Arguments

Chris says,

Hi, Endless Arguments!

Couples often find it hard to settle arguments because it is their emotions that are fuelling the quarrel, not the logic of the dispute.

And those emotions are generally driven by deeper issues than what appears on the surface. It is only when couples start identifying these deeper issues, which they can see what is going on.

Such as power and control. A lot of fights are really about who is in charge.

Or maybe you are forever criticising one another? Talk about where those criticisms are coming from. And what if some of the criticisms ring true? If you are both resisting good advice, ask yourself why. Because understanding your reaction to the criticism will help you get things into perspective.

Another common issue is how you feel about your partner. Many fights are a way of saying ‘I do not like you right now.’ Viewing arguments in terms of how you feel about each other usually makes it easier to see what is going on.

And how do you get to like one another more? Show more affection! Every relationship needs kisses, caresses and lots of kind words. Look closely at each other when you are arguing. Smile. Lean a little closer. Make little ‘hmmm’ and ‘aha’ noises to say you are paying attention. Use phrases like ‘I know how you feel,’ or ‘I understand’ to make you both feel that you matter to each other.

So, what is the bottom line? Couples usually fight about money, sex, the children, how to spend their free time and so on.

But, more often than not, the real issues driving the fights are more about power, liking and respect than what appears on the surface. Figure out what you are arguing about, and you will start resolving the issues between you.

All the best,


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