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Confessions: My ex wants me back, I had moved on with another man

Readers Lounge By Simon and Boke
Photo: Courtesy

I left my marriage six years ago due to irreconcilable differences. I left with my son and stayed single until late 2017 when I started dating again. I moved in with this other man in February this year but I feel like I no longer have feelings for him. My ex-husband never remarried and chose to stay single for all this while. Now he wants me back and I also feel like going back to him since I still have feelings for him and, after all, he is the father to my child. This other man loves me but I’m afraid I will hurt him when he finds out about this. I don’t know what to do especially because this man has done so much for me. Please advise me.

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Simon says:

Jane, this is a rather precarious position you are getting yourself into and I am doubtful that you have given this its due thought and attention. The facts are clear here; you have a child with your ex-husband but after separation, you met another man who accepted and loved you as you are. He even went ahead to let you move in with him -- a rare gesture for a man who may not be sure about what he wants in the relationship. This man has sacrificed a lot and has good plans for you. Yes, the other guy remains the father of your child and he will always have a special place in your heart but this should not be a deal breaker. You will need to evaluate the situation more carefully.

First, I would want to know if he has made any direct attempts to get back with you before this one and more so when you were still single. If not, be very careful with him. I'm also somewhat surprised by the fact that you realise only now that you have no feelings for your current boyfriend. Is it not somehow too convenient that you realised this only after the father of your child told you that he wants you back? 

Men get overly jealous over their women and these include ex-girlfriends and women they have children with. It is just difficult for a man to settle for the fact that his ex-girlfriend is happy and comfortable in the arms of another man. You need to be careful with your ex because he may be out to get you out of your current happy and working relationship only for him to dump you thereafter, leaving you on the losing end.

Lastly, I urge you to first postpone this decision to give yourself adequate time and space to reflect on it. I understand your attachment to the father of your child but remember you may be letting go of the bird in hand for the allure of the bird that is in the woods. He should demonstrate what is going to be different before you give him your utmost trust. In addition to this, you have to ensure that the misunderstandings you have had are fully settled before getting back with him.

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Simon is a relationships counsellor


Boke says:

Dear Jane,

It is not common for people to interrogate and give themselves an honest assessment of their feelings. I therefore commend you for this. But I also hope that this is not a sudden change of attitude that has been occasioned by your ex appearing on the scene; that is for you to judge for yourself.

Whatever your reasons are, the best thing you need to do is tell your current boyfriend the truth. It is only fair that his love is reciprocated. He will get hurt but not as much as when he gets to know that you feel otherwise about him. The same way you would wish to be loved back by the person you love is the same way he deserves that.

If this is not motivated by your ex, then you need to consider the following. Is your ex getting back because he has changed his ways as far as the misunderstandings that you had are concerned? Or did he just find it hard to find another person who could put up with his character?

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Also from your side what has happened and changed within this period that makes you want to go back to him? Well, this is just to probe your conscience and help you make an informed decision.

Otherwise it is always a joy to see marriages and families reconciled. This is not just for you but also for your son. Being raised by both of his parents makes a whole difference. Six years later I believe you are wiser than when you parted.

Not many people are fortunate enough to get a second chance to be together. So take it seriously and have a resolve to make it work.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

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