Here is a detailed woman's guide to dodging the hit-and-run kind of man

We all have that friend who has been through a series of train-wreck relationships and she always seems to fall prey to the hit-and-run man. What exactly makes her susceptible and can she learn to avoid falling victim? As Angela Gichuhi finds out, yes she can...

Bitter Betty is that woman who hates men and thinks all of them are cheaters. Even when she meets a noble man, Bitter Betty will sabotage the relationship because she doesn’t believe good men exist - not after the emotional torture of her last relationships which made her shelve her once good-vibe demeanour and replace it with a cold-hearted ice queen stance who hurts others before they hurt her. But what if she had known how to spot the player so she could avoid all the heartache in the first place? What if there was a player’s ‘bible’ with all the tricks cheaters used which a woman could refer to and spot a cheater from a mile away then avoid him like the plague and consequently avoid being another statistic of being cheated on?

Every hit-and-run man has a bible he refers to when looking for the anatomy of a naïve girl to prey on.  Woman, are you knowingly or unknowingly setting yourself up to be the next statistic? 

 The perfect hit-and-run candidate 

1.   The overly sexily dressed young woman.

You’ve heard the saying dress how you want to be addressed? Yes, you’re a woman, and it is good to dress well, but a sexily dressed woman could attract the eye of a hit-and-run man. Waturi Wamboye, along with her husband Ernest are founders of Boy Meets Girl (BMG), a forum that teaches men and women biblical principles and foundations of love and relationships. Waturi cautions women in the office setting against using their sexuality to get ahead.

“It reinforces the idea that one way for a woman to get ahead in life or progress is through her sexuality, which is a form of discrimination in itself. It also implies that a woman, as created by God, is a sex toy that can only reach potential through sexual appeal - which is not who God created woman to be.”

Evelita Muthoni, a core team member of BMG, says sensuality is a sin. “The scriptures say we should not even have a hint of sexual immorality among us - key word being hint.” She adds that women need to be culturally aware of our surroundings. When you go to the Maasai community, being topless is their way of life. It is not considered sexy. In Mombasa, wearing shorts to the beach is considered okay because it is hot, it is appropriate. However, when working in an office, wearing clothes that show off too much skin is morally questionable.

This sentiment is echoed by Camille Sheppard, a relationship coach and author of Successful Women Date Differently. “As women, you must take your dating to a higher level of consciousness, stop inviting men into your life who are attracted to you and want to have sex with you, but are not interested in building a future with you,” she writes.

2.      The woman who entertains indecent talk

Hit-and-runs and ignoble men in general like to test and see if they can potentially get a woman to bed by starting sexual conversations and seeing how a woman reacts.  Some men are more subtle than others. One could start with telling you or worse, texting you to say you look beautiful in that dress (be weary of the texters. If it’s a genuine comment, why can’t he say it in the presence of everyone? Why does he need to slide into your texts?).  After the comment, he could randomly bring up a sexual story he heard (true or false) and then gently gravitate the conversation to the two of you. It will go something like: “Have you read that article saying oral sex can cause throat cancer?” A totally inappropriate discussion, but he’ll go a step further to encourage comment and say something like: “I love eating a woman. I don’t want to know about throat cancer...” 

How you react will set the pace as to whether you might end up on his bed for an eating session and be dumped afterwards, or you’ll dodge the bullet. If you laugh at the comment or give your thoughts on the subject, you’re game.   Waturi says women should set boundaries in conversation and avoid flirting, sexting and late night chats with a man they are not committed to.

However, Evelita differs. She says, “I do not think a woman can exhibit behaviours knowingly or unknowingly that make her easy prey for men who want to use them for sex then dump them. I do not know a woman who willingly wants to be used for sex for them to only get dumped.” “When a man decides that he wants nothing but sex from a woman, he will hunt her down. He will camouflage and become the man this woman needs until he gets what he wants – sex. He will pursue her with every fibre of his being,” Evelita says. She acknowledges some women are naïve, but adds a woman should not be blamed for a man cheating.

 3. The woman who flirts back with a flirt

Is flirting wrong? This question has been asked time and again. Evelita asks, “What is the purpose of flirting?” She refers back to her comment on not engaging in any hint of sexual immorality. Waturi says flirting is not helpful when used outside of context. “The purpose for flirting is defined as behaving as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully. Why would you want to flirt with someone if you are just playing with their heart and emotions and leading them on? Playing with someone’s feelings is unkind and love is kind.” Camille, who also runs a relationship and life development coaching firm writes that the difference is in how you flirt, “Ladies there is a huge difference between pursuing a man and graciously tossing a hint that lets him know that you are open to a relationship with him. This is an art that women have lost in today’s microwave dating world.” However, Waturi says in the context of marriage, flirting is recommended part of foreplay because the “playfulness” elicits the kind of sexual arousal required for sexual intimacy between a husband and wife.

 Now, here’s how to notice a hit-and-run man and avoid him like the plague: 

1. They target shy, timid, quiet, reserved girls:

Because they are easy prey and probably won’t cause raise hell after a hit-and-run incident. Many extroverted women will let you have it. What kind of good man likes a timid woman? 

The hit and run man will tell you something like: “I like you because you’re shy and quiet. You’re a good girl.”  Not. Good girl here is code for you don’t complain when someone does you wrong, you tolerate crap and are basically a doormat.  Be wary of a man who likes you in the worst version of yourself – if you’re overweight and trying to lose weight – he might say, “Are you trying to look good for someone?” What good man doesn’t want to see a woman be in the best shape of her life? 

This kind of guy starts feeling uneasy and threatened when you build your confidence and start having a voice. They’ll say: “You’ve changed.” And try to make you feel guilty for seeing the light about how you’ve been used and abused. They want to see you remain a doormat so they use you. Don’t fall for it. 

2. He has no meaningful conversation with you except for sexual stuff.

You should already know that’s a wrong man. Life does not revolve around sexual talk. If you bring up conversations about career growth and self-improvement and he puts them down, stay away. 

3. He’s flirtatious with Felicia, Gina, Patricia and every other woman.

Flirting by definition is engaging in meaningless sexually toned talk or innuendos. Why engage in anything meaningless? And more often than not, one party thinks it’s more than flirting and develops feelings then gets heartbroken when they realise the person is flirting with everyone. 

A man without focus on one love interest is a loser. Keep off. 

4. He might seek to fill a void he’s noticed you have.

Gary Chapman, the author of the book ‘The 5 Languages of Love’ wrote that people feel loved through five different actions with one or two being dominant. A hit and run may pretend to love you using your love language until he gets what he wants then disappears. Evelita says, “We have different love languages which we express to show affection and interest in people.”