Help! How do I enjoy lovemaking with my partner

Eve, I am Cindy, 20 years old. My problem is that my partner’s penis is large and he has to squeeze it which brings pain and even takes us time to stop the action since it gets stuck. What can I do?

Dear Cindy,

Thank you for writing in.  While most people seem obsessed with large penises, erroneously equating them with excellence in love making, some like you know that having sexual intercourse with a partner who is on the larger end of the scale has its own challenges.

While the mechanics of sex might be considered more or less the same, many people need to make accommodations to enjoy intercourse with their chosen partners and you sound like one of them.

My first recommendation for you therefore is that you make sure you are sufficiently lubricated prior to penetration. As you prepare to have sex with your partner, your body naturally produces lubrication so as to ease friction between his penis and your vaginal walls. In addition, a well-lubricated vaginal wall is responsible for a heightened sexual sensation during intercourse.

Supplement lube

I hope you can see the necessity for proper lubrication prior to penetration. If, for some reason, your body’s own lubrication is not enough, then you can always supplement it with an over-the-counter water-based lubricant. I say water-based because an oil-based one can make you more susceptible to vaginal infection and can denigrate the integrity of a condom.

Extend foreplay

My next recommendation, Cindy, is for your partner. It is important for him to take his time before penetration to prepare you and your body. This may mean an increase in the amount of time he spends on foreplay, by which I mean hugging, kissing, nibbling, licking, heavy petting and anything else that will get you in the relaxed mood.

Slow it down

Another suggestion is that he penetrate slowly, inch by inch until you are both comfortable. He can enter you *slowly*, inch by inch so that you and your body can get acclimated to the sensation of fullness without pain, assuming that you’re already well lubricated.

Take control

Finally, I would like to suggest that he penetrate you while in positions that allow you to control the depth of entry and those that allow you to be at your most relaxed state e.g. in missionary position. After you’re comfortable and have found your rhythm, then you can vary positions to suit your pleasure.

Be creative

It may also mean that you vary your lovemaking so that you reach orgasm first before he penetrates. Women are blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms in the course of sex ‘session’ so you can and might have another orgasm if that is important to you. In other words, both of you may want to consider thinking outside the box when it comes to your sex life e.g. if you engage in oral sex, would you (or he) be willing to be the recipient before penetration? Oral sex to the point of orgasm would allow your muscles to relax after the initial contraction at the point of orgasm, which might allow your more relaxed and wet vaginal muscles be able to receive his penis without him having to “squeeze” it.

Don’t panic

Now Cindy, I’m concerned about the fact that you mention “getting stuck”. This is not a normal part of love making and can create more problems for you by increasing your anxiety and tension and thus clamming down on his penis. Remember that vaginal muscles relax and contract so a reaction of tension in your vagina while his penis is inside only makes a tight situation tighter. Therefore, make it your business to be relaxed - don’t panic. Remember also that a vagina is able to accommodate a large sized ‘object’ e.g. a child so it can accommodate his penis, even when it may feel like it’s too much.

See a doctor

If you hear nothing else, hear this: relaxation and lubrication shall be the beginning of the end of this particular challenge. However, should it continue despite your best efforts, please do see a doctor so that they may examine you. If you are deemed to be OK but the problem persists, kindly make an appointment to come and see me and we will develop a more personalised intervention for both of you. I wish you the best as you keep experimenting with your bodies to your sexual satisfaction.

Maggie Gitu is a marriage, family and sex therapist. Reach her on: [email protected] or on

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