Top ten pointers that your loving husband has a side chick

Women are smarter than men when it comes to cheating. Laundry remains washed and pressed, the house is organised, the tots are healthy and the food will always be as sumptuous as ever. They can keep the charade going on for years, as men blissfully raise children that aren’t theirs.

On the other hand, a cheating man, just like a clumsy rhino, will always leave a long trail of evidence — from cheap perfume, lipstick marks on shirts, love bites and scratches to lodging receipts in his trouser pockets. Ladies, here is how to tell your man is cheating on you:

1. The midnight shower He acts out of character, rushing to the shower at midnight which he ordinarily avoids. If he loves his tipple, he suddenly starts sneaking in at midnight, sober as a beer bottle that has not been opened!

2. The guilty are afraid He exhibits uncharacteristic goodness, bearing gifts at midnight, suggesting next day outings for a ‘loose mbuzi thing’ at Ole Polos and issuing warm hugs and kisses. That could mean he was up to no good, especially if he’s a genetically distant tight wad!

3. Masking scents The long-suffering wife suddenly notices that the hubby’s clothes always reek of cigarette smoke and liquor, but only on Friday nights. The explanation is that he was out ‘pinting’ with the boys. The truth is that he is fresh from a ‘clande’s’ house, but to cover up, he takes quick vodka shots before spilling some on his shirt, while blowing cigarette on his clothing in a desperate attempt to mask the clande’s scent!

4. Fresh Freddy A normally sweaty hubby suddenly comes home looking and smelling fresh. Problem, he smells of a soap brand that is not used at home!

5. Missing ngotha He sleeps out and the clande washes his shirt and underwear. Unfortunately, if the ngotha does not dry as fast, he gets the brilliant idea to microwave ! But alas! the darn thing gets burnt! Of course the wife notices the underwear is missing a day after he ‘slept in police cells’ and he has to come up with a story about a sudden running stomach spurred by fear of “a policeman who threatened to shoot me!” Other men, in a mad rush, wear their boxers inside out!

6. Sporadic ‘Cold War’ Some will resort to feigning illnesses, pleading depression, stress or exhibiting ‘silent fury’ to dampen any romantic ideas that their wives might have. They might even start non-existent quarrels and go into violent fits of rage.

7. Sudden makeover Men don’t just change their style for no reason, or decide to suddenly hit the gym or health club, unless a doctor reads them the riot act. The gacungwa, during a steamy session, might have whispered: “You would be more attractive...if only you got rid of this belly!”

8. Mpesa transactions Men will delete sent and received messages, but forget one crucial bit of evidence. The wifey might therefore stumble on Mpesa messages such as: At 5pm, Sh1,000 was paid to Ngata Petrol Station along Mombasa Road. At 6pm, Sh1,500 was paid to XCTASY Pub off Mombasa Road, at 7pm, Sh2,500 was paid to XCTASY Guest House. At 11pm, Sh3,000 was sent to Sue Ciku.

9. CD collection The man might have been listening to Franco, Baba Gaston, N’Yoka Longo, Yondo Sisters and Simaro Lutumba CDs all along, then suddenly he’s a rock fan, listening to ColdPlay, Dire Straits and Avril Lavigne and has changed the way he dresses, walks and talks. He could be dating a pre-college bimbo!

10. Bank statements Cheating is more costly than losing money in a Eurobond scandal. All those expenses, including trips to Naivasha for Sh 20,000 a night hotels or purchasing S6 Galaxy phones that are not gifted to any family member can be traced by the in-house FBI through banking records.