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I’ll die if my husband marries a second wife

Marriage Advice
 It’s been trouble

I am 26 and married although through a customary marriage. My husband has paid dowry and we have two daughters. My husband has been seeing another woman for a while and she bore him a son. This has caused me so much trouble that I am in and out of hospital from stomach ulcers.

He wants to marry her so he is suggesting that he pays dowry for her to marry her customarily then he can formalise our wedding in church but with her remaining as second wife. I am not sure if and how this can work but I am also afraid that he gives her too much attention often leaving us for days only to come home flat broke. This is stressing me so much, please advice...


  Your take:

Lorna*, when a man gets into a new relationship, he has to nurture it till maturity the same way he met you. He will have more attention in her at the start and thereafter he will come to balance. Talk to him and ask him to remember and support his family. You can win him back if you try and beat the other lady in showing him love and affection. If he marries her, tell him to keep her far away from you for the sake of peace.  {Thomas Wekesa}

At 26, you are still young to have a co-wife but it is also good to try and understand what drove him to marrying a second wife. I think he is marrying her just because she gave him a son which he was lacking from you and he could have blamed you for this. However, he should know that as the man he is the one who determines the sex of his offspring.

 Make this issue known to his parents and register your disappointment with him. Talk to him and see if you can change his mind. If he does not, just take heart and take care of your children for he will soon come back to reality when responsibilities become a reality to him.

{Ouma Ragumo, Ratado}


Madam a child is a child and is the work of God but it seems he is favouring her simply because she gave birth to a boy. Church wedding or not this man remains your husband and should take full responsibility of his children despite their sex. Stop worrying and breaking yourself and join some women groups so you can socialise and seek for counselling.

{Onyango Outha, Jaduny}


Marriage is an agreement between the parties involved. It is good you understand what your husband values in marriage and it is natural that you are jealous about your husband; you love him of course. However if you have accepted that he marries or just cannot avoid it then the best is you support him.

To continue to win his love and trust, accept and love your co-wife and you will score twice by getting the love and respect of both the co-wife and your husband. If you make it obvious that you are uncomfortable with the arrangement, you will lose both of them further and further.


{Tasma Charles}

Counsellors take:

Lorna, although you seem relatively young, I assume you have some little understanding of African men (without singling out Kenyan men) with regard to sons. To African men, sons are invaluable! By effect, a woman who gives a man a son automatically occupies a soft spot in his heart. This is in light of the fact that Kenyan men hardly have no soft spots. This is probably not what you want to hear but with the way things have been going, brace yourself for tougher times.

 Clearly, you cannot wish her away but you should also not take it lying down. If he intends to marry her then you may only do so much. However, before he sets off on his polygamous adventures, ensure first that any property you have is divided equally among the two of you. The law provides for this and there are institutions that can give you support in advocating for this such as FIDA.

This is important because if he finally settles on marrying her (customarily or otherwise), she will automatically be entitled to 50 per cent of his property. Securing this beforehand will see you get 50 per cent of the marital property you have at present, maintenance and child support. By effect, he can only share with her his 50 per cent.

Get as much help as you can on this and I assure you a stitch in time will defiantly save nine. If you do not move with speed regarding this issue, you may soon find yourself out in the cold.

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