Hashtag and social media pests

In the good old or bad ole days before social media, depending on when you were born, #hashtags used to come without this ‘#’ sign that makes you want to play ‘x’ and ‘o’. You know? That game we used to play in ‘Praimo’ between lessons?

A hash tag used to be slang for someone who wishes to sell you hashish pot, preferably at a party; the transaction going down in the toilet. But now the #hashtag has become a sign that everyone uses like a public loo. Entire words have become chained to it the way a feral dog gets chained to a post.

#Woof,by Wannabes.

Don’t get me wrong, the hashtag is a great sign when it comes to groups sprouted up by social media, such as Kenya’s own unique #TeamMafisi (or #KilimaniMoms) or other wannabe human hyenas and dreadful gossips. #ILoveKOT.

Not!

Or when a topic gets trending, like the #WavinyaSayings of the last two weeks.

‘Ataye pite kuwa gavana sio Ndeti.’ (Can my original here just become a trend in Masaku?)

But you cannot be that wannabe who wants to be the trend-setter by hash-tagging breaking news, for example, ‘#NkaisseryDead’ because, Ngai! That is so Silly!

Hash-tagging personal events, for example, #ThrowingAParty is just not done on social media, because how is that a happening with in wider context? It just shows how unsavvy (and in some cases unsavory) wannabe one has become.

Then there are the wannabes who have no idea what some popular hash-tags mean, especially those that come in acronym, but want to use them to appear cool anyway.

So you find a fifty six year old mathe on Facebook posting on Monday morning ‘#TBT – Going back to work and feeling the Monday morning blues on this chilly July day. #TGIF.’ Madam, how is this a ‘Throw Back Thursday’? And what do you mean ‘Thank God It’s Friday.’

Only the musician Octopizzo can get away with declaring every day of the week a #TBT.

If your adult life till you were forty was dominated by Posta (from mail to telephone lines), relax and don’t attach random signs you find above the ‘3’ button on your computer to your posts.

#ILoveJesus is not a tag. Just remember in your case ‘iliyopita ni nywele, Kingo ni Vicks ulitumia 1987.’

Then now we must attack at least three notorious FB wannabes whom Zuckerberg should ban forever.

First, the Facebook propagandists, especially in this season of politics, who harp on so much on social media on only ONE topic you would think, to paraphrase UNCTAD’s Dr. Mukhisa Kituyi, that they have nothing else between their ears. Okay, so you hate Jubilee, or a certain enigma from Bondo, but must ALL your posts on FB be on their case?

Secondly, there are those naïve people who actually believe, and so live, by the credo ‘to share is to care.’ Nobody really cares on social media, though – not unless you are friends offline, signor/a.

So save us the sobs by trying to throw a pity party over your botched bleach skin, or even your bleeding heart over a broken relationship.

A certain notorious wannabe socialite the other day shared a video over social media in which her foreign partner is apparently thumping her as she bounces her big plastic buttocks out of a hotel in Dubai, to get sympathy from the ladies. You are dating a fraudster cum drug dealer recently released from jail, and when he whips your tail, you put it on social media and expect us to feel ‘woije’ for you?

(In case anyone imagines I’m being mean to this wannabe woman, I have reliable sources that she’s only half-human, with the other half being ‘Intelligent Silicon In Latex’ (ISIL) that like its Islamic State equivalent, wishes to take over the human race).

Then there are the wannabes who got lost on their way to Instagram Land, and want to update (selfies) of themselves (including what they are eating (foodies) and given half a chance, they’d snap and upload what they’re shitting (toilies)), as if, if they stopped d/load, up/date every five minutes, they would blink out of existence.

Of course there are those wannabes on FB who NEVER, but never, update their posts or comment on anything (beyond ‘like.’). They forward funny/message videos once in a while, but nothing personal or original. If you ask them why, they say they love their privacy. But that’s a lie.

If it was true, they’d never have joined social media. The truth is they are voyeurs – Peeping-Toms with popcorn, here for the drama.