For goodness sake, there is nothing fancy about that fake ‘tweng’

There are many things that irk men when dealing with women, many things that men have learnt to put up with when it comes to the fairer sex. We know, for example, that we were not made to win arguments. We are also aware that when it comes to age and weight we must deal with those topics with the stealthy caution of a special officer on a covert mission.

But there are other things that we can hardly stomach. Like a certain annoying pretence Ken- yan women have refused to drop. That fake twang.  Of what value is a fake ‘tweng’? If I meet you in a pub today and you are not my type, I am not going to re-calibrate my taste simply because of an accent?

The other day I met a girl in a Kilimani pub. About seven years ago, we had bankrolled her dream of studying medicine in the United Kingdom. Of course as is customary with women keen on pretending, and who think they have scaled up the ‘class’ ladder, she could hardly remember me. When I dropped the name of her brother and a cousin, the very guy who dragged me into that harambee, she suddenly opened up, but with an accent.

Initially our conversation, as I stood waiting to join my pals, was purely mono-syllabic from her end. She must have been thinking that I was another poor Kenyan trying to punch above my weight.

I was dismayed that after a mere seven years, she had undergone such a complete metamorphosis that she not only was unable to recognise people who had to forgone a full month’s drink to contribute to her cause, but acquired what my grandmother would call, “another tongue”.

What is this that is so chic and marvellous about a fake accent?

In entertainment spots, I have seen girls who will dance very well on high heels. I have also seen girls who will purposely come to ask for a matchbox from a dude she is interested in. I have seen girls who will attempt to wink in a dimly-lit disco. One they realise it is not working they result to twerking, which often bears fruit.

But I have asked around, and many men are at a loss, as to what benefits women faking some foreign accent at 10pm in a downtown pub brings.

Interestingly, these girls who have been abroad only pick up American and English accents. I’m yet to meet one who has an Indian or Russian accent.?Or better still Eastern European accent. I have friends who have worked in Uganda for years and when they come back, their English is not laced with Luganda. Does it mean that those who go to study there cannot acquire a foreign accent? Or are they too daft to learn a new “tongue”?

I will believe accents can be acquired the day I meet a Kenyan back from India or Pakistan with a medical or law degree speaking with an accent from that region. I might also choose to put to test the completeness of these language-acquisition traits.

How would a person with an acquired accent, one who appears to have genuinely forgotten Swahili, respond if you unleashed two slaps on them? Would she call out her grandmother’s name in that state of pain and anger, with the accent?