I read my husbands emails to other women, now i want a divorce

Dear Coleen

I feel like a modern-day cliché after finding sexual emails and texts from my husband to various other women.

These messages were pretty graphic, describing what they intended to do in bed when they meet up.

But what hurt the most was his opinion of me – he said in one message that he can “get away with all sorts” because I’m “clueless”.

It made me feel like such an idiot and that our entire six-year marriage has been a sham. Did he ever love me?

I’ve decided I want out of the marriage, even though we have two very young children and we also own a home together.

I don’t want to stay in our house and I’m hoping he’ll agree to buy me out, so I can use that money to start again with the kids in a new home that’s untainted by bad memories.

I feel as if I’ve failed my children, who are only five and three, and obviously love their dad.

They don’t deserve this. And I hate the thought of explaining things to friends and family. What’s your advice?

Coleen says

First of all, you haven’t failed anyone – your husband is the failure.

Your kids are still very young and will adapt to a new routine and new living arrangements. You can make moving fun for them by talking about decorating their new bedrooms and so on.

As they get older and ask more questions you have to resist the temptation to badmouth their dad, even though it might be tempting. You can still co-parent very successfully and part of that is not using the kids to get revenge on each other.

You sound as if you’ve made your mind up to divorce, so get the ball rolling by contacting National Family Mediation (nfm.org.uk), which supports families going through divorce and separation.

It has lots of good information about arrangements for children, property and finance.

When my first marriage ended, my ex bought me out of our house as I felt similar to you – I wanted to make a clean break.

Don’t isolate yourself from friends and family, though, as you’ll need their support going forward. One of my friends gave me a great piece of advice early on and that was not to make any decisions based on pride or anger, or what other people may think.

Give yourself time to talk to your husband and plan properly, so you feel more in control.