She wants a wedding we simply cannot afford

I am 29 and my fiancée is 24. We are bound to get married in November this year. However, this wedding is stressing the hell out of me because she and her friends  are making the wedding too expensive. Our initial budget was Sh250,000 but this has shot up to Sh610,000 currently. Her justification is that friends and family should contribute to our wedding just like we do in theirs. Initially, we wanted a small wedding because we are not financially stable and planned to contribute a third of the budget but this will be way above my means. She is threatening not to take part in a "cheap wedding" saying it is the most important day in her life - never mind that she is not contributing anything. I have had to put up with a lot. This is not the beautiful and understanding girl I knew. I want to get out of this, please advise me. {James}

Your Take:

That woman should not put pressure on you yet she knows your financial status. Marriage is not all about the wedding. It’s about understanding. There are people who get married in expensive ceremonies then break up within a short time.

{Phoebe Atieno}

Ask her if she prefers to spend Sh1 million on her wedding then after that she lives in a single room. Even though it’s the D-day, she has to think about the future.

{Stacy Mbinji}

James, it’s indeed an important day or event for both of you but my advice is that you cut your coat according to your size. If she wants a big wedding or whatever she calls it then she should wait until you are ready for such.

 There is nothing wrong with the Sh250,000 wedding you had planned earlier that she finds cheap. Another thing is that you can wed today and do another big one when you are financially stable.

{Fred Jausenge}

A wedding is not all about a convoy of big cars and expensive attire, but legalising one’s marriage. Talk to your fiancée and let her understand your financial status. Also, don’t rely on what friends are yet to contribute because they may let you down. If she won’t listen to you, then rest assured she’s not yours for marriage.

{Pastor Ben Shikuku}

She is now exhibiting her real self and you have to face reality about the person you are marrying. Pre-marital counseling may have been very important before the budgetary plans.

 That would have saved you the agony of high expectations because you both know the size of your coat and when to cut your material that fits it.

{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

Counselor’s Take:

Marriage is not a day business. The wedding is actually between you and her and not so much about anyone else. Make your point clear and only have a wedding that you can afford otherwise you will end up in debt or with a miserable life. {Onyango Outha}

James, everybody (both men and women) would like to have a big and expensive wedding. Indeed, we would all want to charter a plane to Malindi for family and friends, exchange vows on the white sandy beaches of Watamu, treat the guests to sumptuous reception, board a luxury boat to Lamu and finally jet off to Malaysia for a one-month honeymoon among many other things.

However, it is important to note that the concept of expensive weddings is inherited from the West. What we don’t realize is that most of what we see is in movies. Actually most weddings in the West are essentially small functions where the guests are invited to bring a drink and some food for all to share.

In addition to this, the principal fact is that for those extravagant weddings that take place, the bride’s family is actually the one that picks up the tab for the wedding cost unlike here where the bride will make all sorts of demands but conveniently their contributions will always be minimal, if any.

But a wedding is just a wedding and people will eventually learn to have weddings that are within their reach. The most critical of things in a wedding ceremony is a set of rings, the certificate of marriage and the presence of family and friends to share this wonderful moment with you.

 Anything else is superficial. Modern day women have been nurtured to believe that expensive and flamboyant weddings will make them happy but the reality is that at the end of the day, it is the service providers who are smiling all the way to the bank. It is they that remain very, very happy.

Take charge of the wedding planning process. When your friends get spent out contributing to your wedding, you will be eventually be drawn into debt. This may fix your problems in the short term but will broaden and deepen your financial troubles in the long-term.

Get a hold of the planning process and have a firm and focused opinion about how things should go. Do not be cowed by the fact that she is threatening to boycott the wedding. If she makes such trivial threats, give her the option of leaving now.

Nobody - man or woman - should be held ransom in a relationship just because they cannot afford what the other person wants. If she is making the demands then she should as well increase her contribution to match them. {Taurus}