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How she will dump you by December 31

Relationships By Tony Mochama
Something is just not right here: Photo; Courtesy

Maybe you are the unlucky man sitting on your sofa this Saturday, reading this blissfully, with no idea that your near and dear just decided to dump you this morning (in her mind), but will do the dirty deed in exactly five months’ time. Here is how it will go, my bro

All of August she will be quite moody and distant. The smallest stuff you do, or don’t do, will be blown out of proportion – and make her annoyed at the drop of a hat.

Your jokes will not be welcome, and the very sight of you will irritate her to hell. When it comes to bedroom matters, you will become like brother and sister under the sheets. Headaches, cramps, exhaustion, ‘I’m not in the mood’ to the oga-like ‘aaarghh, wacha sumbua’ will be employed to keep you off.

Then in September, she will stop being sulky – not so much sunny as ‘don’t care.’ She will not care about your expenditure, as long as you’ve paid your share.

She won’t care if you want to stay out till midnight on Saturday (or even weekdays) watching soccer. She won’t make any noise – which shouldn’t make you smile, boy, because mademoiselle is getting detached from your ass.

You may not find food, or even your girlfriend/woman waiting when you come home, early or late. Because she will have started evening school in September, or language class, or salsa, or any number of things to keep her away from home.

In October, she will spend Friday evenings with workmates, Saturdays with her girls/chama and Sundays with her family. She also has bought a hot new wardrobe and looks good, lakini kuna vile bado ‘unakula na macho’ other than a few dutiful sessions.

This, my friend, should worry you much. Those Fridays is when her colleague is making his moves over drinks, that Saturday is where her pals are leading her towards a sponsor or even short-term affair, that Sunday is when she is warming up to her ‘ex’ or even that nice and smart wolf in sheepskin in church at the prayer ensemble. Or even a long term chat partner from the Facebook inbox.

In November, she will suddenly become very nice – and you will think whatever madness overtook her in the last one hundred days (August 1 – November 10) is over. She is cooking for you, pressing shirts, and is suddenly quite aggressive in bed, in ways not quite her style.

Before you sigh with relief, know this – women think they are very good people, and often feel guilty. She is just playing out her Mother Teresa complex, and feeling very sorry for you, hence the goodies.

Think of it like a man being given pizza, a cigar and a good screw at night, before his execution at dawn. As they say on the series ‘Game of Thrones’, ‘winter is coming! And you don’t know anything, Jon Snow.’

Come December, and mademoiselle will seem very schizophrenic in her behavior. Perhaps the other chap (fisi) is putting pressure on her to ‘finish’ you. In any case, she will be very busy and nervous and awkward and jumpy till Jamhuri Day, then seem elated, depressed, calm and irritated for the next week, sometimes all in the course of a single day.

You, being foolish man, will chalk it down to a week of particularly awful cramps. She will take off to see her family on December 20 and resurface on December 2, all relaxed. The end, my friend, is nigh!

You will wonder why you are partying and having wild sex on Thursday, December 29, two days early. On Friday at dusk, she’ll say ‘we need to talk’ then drop the bombshell – your relationship is kaput!

And that is how on the last day and Saturday of the year, exactly five months from today, you will find yourself packing your stuff, preparing to move to a friend/relative’s house temporarily with your woman nowhere near, the only thing you now know being her Tweet that says ‘#NewYearNewTings2017.’

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