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Papa English brought a 20-litre mtungi of muratina, the Okuyu traditional brew Owish calls ‘Rats,’ to celebrate his return from a three-month honeymoon for which he hoped there will be a lot of honey at the end of many moons.
Only ruhia (horns) were used before the Afro - Sinema started, when those misled by the sweetness of ‘Rats’ drank it faster than their heads could clear the dregs.
But first, Papa English launched on how ‘Rats’ was brewed. For starters, any Kikuyu girl who had grown tu-nyosh that could be kamuliwad and was thus attracting misguided boys was warned: “menyerera ndukanjitiri njohi!” meaning, “be careful you don’t spill by njohi.”
Njohi (onywaji) meant ‘Rats,’ which was given to the father during important stages of beer-shara ya kuendia mwiritu (selling the girl).
Any girl who got ‘Stroke Two’ (being paged) before the said beer-shara meant the father got no ‘Rats’ to sip and spit on his hairy chest.
‘Rats,’ explained Papa English, was sourced from the most mature muratina fruit that had fallen off the hinges of the ‘sausage tree.’ Mbichi muratina could not brew ‘Rats’ to its ndogogio perfection.
The muratina was mixed with water - to signify life. Honey or the most deep-rooted sugarcane was added. In short, ‘Rats’ was for those who had kita mizizi, explained Papa English as Waka-Knife poured his fifth horn, smiling sheepishly.
“This is my fifth (sic) ruhia,” slurred Waka-Knife as he fell off his seat and knocked his chin on the table, teeth clashing like they had been knocked with a Maasai rungu sporting a Bedford bolt at the tip.
Miss Penny took four horns and could not feel the heat of her own pee while seated on the Sina Tabu. “Nani ananimwagia chai moto?” she asked Nyambu, the counter girl, who by then, was pouring ‘Rats’ in her cleavage while shaking her tits and telling Owish: “Aaaaaw! You want some baby?”
Owish lumbered towards her, but magoti ikakua nyanya as he slammed his head through the toilet door next to the counter and on to an instant coma.
Diameter, the political analyst, climbed atop the table and peed on the ponytail of Papa English as Kot-Kot cheered him “mwaga yote!”
Kang’ethe was arrested on his way home. He stumbled into Alcoblow police and began asking them: “Mnafanya nini kwa baridi? eh!....hamna makwenu?
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