When a man replaces you, leave him drama free

You are a woman, happily or at least okay-ly living life with your man when, boom!, another woman strikes like the beer buzz of a second generation brew. And like a buzzard, she snatches ‘your man’ from you (men, like women, may be your property. But, buyer beware! They are moveable chattels). What to do?

Unlike the August First attempted coup of ‘82 whose perpetrators like Ochuka had to be ruthlessly crushed, you do not go after the man-snatcher hammer, tongs and talons. There must be a more dignified way to exit the scene than drama.

The relationship is as dead as a cadaver! Going to yank at weaves and pull at blouses is like attending a funeral where the mourners go to war, snatching microphones, whipping each other and making such a commotion the coffin overturns and the corpse falls out and disassembles.

If you can, trade in the furniture you shared and buy other, completely opposite stuff. You can look up Doque’s decorden on page five of this magazine, for tips.

Pack his stuff into boxes and ask him to collect it when you are not there so that you do not embarrass yourself by playing Gloria Gaynor’s ‘ I Will Survive’ at top knob as he moves his s*** out.

Take his pictures off your phone and so on, so that you do not have to keep scrawling old pictures and reminiscing over that ‘romantic time you were in Watamu in 2012.’

When a man moves on to another woman, it is time to make your own movie called ‘Erasure.’

But if you have kids or he owes you other legal obligations, it is time for him to make the relevant SOs (Standing Orders), or else engage a lawyer to threaten his runaway ass! Why should you suffer just because he chose someone else over you, signora?

Distract yourself with church, dating and even travel if you can. Just don’t go out on shopping sprees you can ill afford in the name of retail therapy, or stay in the house, getting teary over chick flicks as you get wasted on wine.

Do not spy on the runaway chap on social media, send sexts suggesting ‘bado ni baridi kama July, si ukuje?’ or go to the places you used to go to, together.

For example, if your thing was Tuesday evening movies at Anga Sky Cinema in Panari, why not replace that with something totally opposite – like Saturday afternoon with the English Premier League at the Sky Lounge? Starting with Chelsea versus Arsenal today?

Okay, maybe that is a man’s wishful thinking, but you wishfully hope he will ‘come to his senses’ and ‘rudi nyumbani’ and sing you Sauti Sol’s ‘Sura Yako’ after you have been overthrown by another woman ranges from the asinine to the insane.

But, what if, after you have done all these smart things, perhaps are even tentatively but happily moving on into another relationship, the Buzzard (you must always have a nasty nickname for her!) is sending you gloating-to-insulting messages?

In that case, get the law on her case.

It is always amusing to look at the defiant faces of those women in the newspapers, those ones who have been charged in court for ‘sending abusive electronic messages’ to another woman in court.

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