Why won't he divorce his ex?

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my partner for eight years now and we have a daughter together. He is separated from his wife and has been for 10 years, yet he seems to have no intention of getting a divorce, even though I’ve mentioned it several times.

I want us to be able to move on properly as a couple and as a family, but all he keeps saying is that he doesn’t want to pay for it.

He claims he hates his ex with a passion, but he takes our young daughter round to her house at Christmas to see his grown-up kids, even though he knows I’d rather she didn’t go round there.

What should I do as I don’t feel he really wants to commit to me, even after all this time?

Coleen says

I think you need to insist that the only contact your husband has with his ex is over arrangements for their kids. I think it’s great that your daughter has a relationship with her siblings, but why does she have to see them at his ex’s house? Could they come over to your house or meet elsewhere for days out? I don’t think that’s a lot to ask – you’ve been reasonable and patient.

I agree that not divorcing his ex is a worry – if he disliked her that much, you’d think he’d be willing to pay for a divorce so he wouldn’t still be connected to her and he could move on properly.

Again, I think you have to let him know that you’re serious – you keep bringing it up, but then you forget about it for a while, so he’s not being forced into making a choice.

Be honest and tell him you don’t think there’s any point in your relationship while he’s still married because at the moment you feel like the other woman.