Adopting a child guides

If you are unable to have children of your own, adoption is an option. Any adoption society will look closely into your reasons for wanting a child, as well as your circumstances, because they are crucial to the success of the adoption. Their careful counselling procedures will help you sort out your own feelings. But before making a decision, ask yourself these questions:

1.            Is your marriage happy and stable and are you both equally keen on the idea of adoption? An adopted child will not rescue a failing marriage, especially if one of the partners is reluctant.

2.            Are you aiming to fill a void in your life caused, perhaps, by the death of your own child? If so, you need to wait a while to allow yourselves time to adjust and be absolutely certain that you are ready to share your lives with someone else. You must be sure you can love another child for her own sake and not mainly as a ‘replacement’ or consolation.

3.            Are you both either too young or too old to be considering adoption? If you have been married for a short time, ask yourself if your union is stable enough for a third party. If you are in your early 40s, you may be too settled in your ways to start making the major adjustments necessary for a child. By the time the child is a teenager, you will be in your mid-50s and may find the effort of keeping pace with an adolescent’s needs more than you had bargained for.

4.            If you have other children, have you discussed the matter with them? If they are hostile to the idea, the adopted child might be an outsider from the start. Then, if you try to compensate by being even more loving towards her, you will only make the situation worse.

If you become adoptive parents and take a child into your home, she needs to be told the truth as soon as she is old enough to understand. If she learns about it later, she’ll be shocked and overwhelmed. She should grow up accepting it as naturally as she accepts being part of a large or small family.

Eventually she will want to know why her natural parents gave her up or deserted her. Never let her feel that they simply didn’t want her, but don’t try to manufacture reasons.

Tell her you don’t know their reasons but must have believed they were doing their best for her. She may secretly fear that if one set of parents could give her up, for whatever good reason, then you may do the same some day, if she is naughty. Make sure she knows she is yours for good, no matter what — not by making a big thing out of it, but by the warmth of your love and the happy plans you make for the future.

Be certain you have the stamina and depth of love and compassion to give the child the security and love she needs and the rewards on both sides are enormous.