Nairobians on average prefer dating a woman from their communities if not a friendly, ‘wifeable’ tribe. Kenyans are that tribal. So much so that there is even an unspoken but publicly acknowledged warning for men from Western Kenya against marrying women from Central, especially from Kabete.
It takes a lot of defiance for men to go against the societal grain. Similarly, women from Central are often warned against men from Western, certainly citing clashing cultural practices, like wife inheritance.
While there is no scientific study to back some of the outrageous assertions, stereotyping still thrives. Here goes:
Kisii women are an anonymous lot. Many men, with years of experience playing the field, all agree it takes months to get a staunch Kisii church girl to be a bed mate even for a night. They do not wear trousers too.
Once you bed her, consider yourself married. One hour after hitting the sack, she will send you a text, “My husband, I have seen a nice yellow sweater, can I buy it for you?” They are generous to a fault… with their money that is. They are also known to be very suicidal when the ‘marriage’ goes south and not necessarily to South Mugirango.
Negative: In terms of beauty, they are mostly rated as above average since they do not dress to show off their bodies, their hairstyles are wanting and they never apply much make-up, but they are truly beautiful inside.
Kwamboka has a reputation for fiery anger if offended, that is only rivalled by Gacheri from Nyeri.
They can also be incorrigible liars.
Positive: Having been raised in a patriarchal environment, those who grew up with both parents always turn up as good wives in the old fashioned way. If a man can provide, she will make the best Mke Nyumbani.
They are equally possessive, so any ‘side arrangement’ choices has dire consequences. Children have been burnt or fancy electronics damaged when the man acquires a side mattress.
If by luck you get an enterprising Moraa, she can protect your business fiercely while supporting her siblings and relatives in Gekoromoni.
‘Cheps’ are deceptively obedient as long as you don’t cross them. Chelagat can be violent when offended and they don’t have the verb ‘forgive.’ In matters bedroom they are still at the ‘missionary’ orientation stage.
Of course those raised in Nairobi are devious sex vixens. If we have to believe reliable rumours, those from Nandi are lazy, while Marakwets and Tugens have a hot temper that can boil yams from a 100 acre farm in Kaptagat.
They also have little sense of sartorial elegance. Look around you, probably the lass with a hairstyle resembling a nest is a Chep-something.
Negative: If drinking alcohol turns the world on its axis for Chelagat, you will need a mini-brewery to sustain her swilling.
Positive: Very marriageable. Not given to many demands besides the father demanding several cows. Kalenjin women rarely put condom ‘mpangoni’ against their hubbies. A Kalenjin widow can remain “that way” for decades.
Curiously, many prefer dating Socrates Onyango to Fabian Kipkurui from Kerio Valley. A man who does not spend on Chep is a loser.
Negative: Their culinary skills rarely go beyond boiling tubers. The idea of cooking is mixing all foods in one pot. Their men, the Kamandes, do a good job sustaining nyama choma butcheries in Nairobi as most are tired of being fed on cabbages like sungura.
The Njeris of this world don’t take you seriously if your wallet does not resemble a bible any given Sunday. “Umekula kwanza?” is a common question to brothers who have no money to burn. And when Nyawira decides to become a headache you can ‘cry in the toilet.’
The body shapes of Nyambura could be a source of humour. The term ‘love handles’ was invented for them. In bed, the sexual metaphors associated with Kikuyu women are not fit for a family paper. They are also given to fake ‘sound tracks’ that turn off men.
They are known to pack and go with everything including the kitchen sink, bulbs, ‘Kanyau’ the pet when the marriage dissolves.
Positive: They can stop at nothing in wealth creation and can be an asset for a man who wants to build a financial empire.
Even when employed, Kikuyu women always do a spectacular job. They also make good mothers, given among the Kikuyus, women own the children.
Most Sanaipeis are extremely intelligent. That is, if they escaped the cut and early marriages. They are also very proud. They will never sleep with a man who is not equally educated.
Educated Maasai women will never polish a man’s shoes…unlike their subdued sisters in Samburu, their sisters.
They also do not ‘lose steam’ easily in bedroom affairs.
Negatives: Where do you get them?
Positive: Culturally, they are bound to be very submissive and given to settling down. They also respect their men.
They are renowned sex athletes and most openly brag how they can beat other women in steamy ‘field events.’
It must be something in the water they drink, we think. Do you know there is no bar that can be complete without Kanini and Kamene as a barmaid?
Negative: There is a consistent rumour they don’t have the word ‘no’ for sexual advances. They also tend to bring all their extended family to your home from Kathonzweni, straining the relationship.
Positives: They are beautiful, have seductive smiles. They have clingy love.
They have been voted the best bed mates since Kamba politician Paul Ngei was expelled from Makerere University for stabbing a fellow student over a woman in the ‘50s.
6. Coastal women
The Halimas of this world are the best and the less said about it, the better, because once we start extolling their virtues, we might run out of space…
Negative: They are gossipy, lazy bums.
Positive: They are quite often beautiful and submissive. They have sexy voices. They rank second to Kambas in ‘field events.’
Entertaining, no less. Some joke, they have kept the tourism business going. Taitas specifically, are praised for their cuteness and expertise.
Camy Petronilla Anyango loves class. They boast curvaceous figures pegged on legendary hips and behinds. They are great cooks, or used to be, before they graduated with masters and doctorates.
Dating Camy Petronilla Anyango is a job. You can take her to Paris, but she will not let you rock her Mound of Venus. She will drink your entire salary on the 2011 Cervantes wine by the bottle, party away your Sh1 million Sacco loan, but will not still sleep with you. Never introduce Camy Petronilla Anyango to a lavish lifestyle if you cannot sustain it.
Positive: They have real sexual ‘horse power.’ They are good dancers. They speak their mind and are never afraid of anything. They make for loving wives, when in love.
Negative: For the ones who love sex, they will do it with anyone, anywhere, and not even for money, but plain good ‘entertainment.’
Nafula is modest and austere. Had the Uhuruto pair had more nominated Luhya women, the government would have been ran on a leaner budget than a Buddhist temple.
They cannot stand wastage, be it of money, water, electricity, or even their man’s seed being scattered to the wild oats. But they do not consider cooking a whole packet of Jogoo maize flour for a single meal as wastage.
When you go to the villages, Luhya women are either breast-feeding or pregnant. They are so hardworking and can feed the family on a shoestring budget.
Positive: In terms of wife-ability, they score fairly well. In bed, they are comparable to Camy Petronilla Anyango.
Negative: When the marriage grinds to halt, Nafula disappears, leaving the children behind, unfed. Their bodies are susceptible to shapelessness.
They own a huge chunk of the country’s ‘maskwembes’ (muscles of the lower limb).
They like their extended family, like the Kamba.